Ready? Uncheck

- Dorm supplies: 1/2 check
- Packed: 3/4 check
- Roommate: check
- Emotions in tack: UNCHECK

So, Friday at 7:00 in the am, I will no longer be living at my house 24/7. It's going to be a very emotional and mental roller coaster. I have never been away from my house for more than a week in my ENTIRE life (shows how much I get out haha). I'm physically and mentally ready, but not emotionally, and if you'd ask me why, I couldn't tell you. I'll only be 30 minutes away. I'm glad I didn't jump on the Winthrop bandwagon this year because I honestly wouldn't be able to live 2 hours away right now (with everything that's going on and just because I don't feel ready). I think the further distance I go (gradually), the better off I'll be. What's funny is, I'm going to Columbia College this year, planning to go to Winthrop next year, and then either the spring of 2011/fall of 2011, I'm planning on studying ABROAD IN AUSTRALIA FOR 5 MONTHS!! If that's not a BIG GAP of gradualness, I don't know what is! haha. I know I can do this though because I have faith in God to get me through anything and everything and I also have faith in myself, to push myself no matter how hard I feel like falling down. I'm shooting for my dreams and I'm going to make those dreams come true no matter what anyone says because they don't matter. God's doing this for a reason and I'm determined to succeed in everything He throws at me. So, even though I'm definitely not EMOTIONALLY ready to do any of this, I know I can do it because I have God and I have the MOST AMAZING family and friends here to back me up! "Don't let anyone back you down. You must do this for YOURSELF because can't never could!" - Pocahontas (not the ACTUAL Disney Pocahontas-inside joke) <---you know who you are if you're reading this :)

Phewww!

1 week and 6 days until I move into Columbia College! Let the count down begin! I'm so exhausted! This week I've packed my stuff and I'm STILL not done with everything just because I bought more stuff today for my dorm. I just had so much stuff to go through and throw away and give away. I'm probably the BIGGEST teenaged pack-rat ever! (by the way: lovely packing ^^^) I just have so much stuff and it feels really good to get rid of some things, but I STILL have too much stuff! haha. Today me, my mom, my sister, my aunt, and my grandma went dorm shopping for me and I got SO MUCH stuff that I desperately needed and I'm glad I got all of that done. But yet I have to kinda start my packing all over again haha! Oh well!
The last month has just been very hard for me. Actually, scratch that this whole SUMMER has been very hard on me because I've had to say goodbye to so many people and I've just been so anxious and excited, but scared because I'm just now realizing that I'm moving out and going to college! It's so overwhelming and confusing at times, but I know it'll do me good being on my own. I have a LONNNGG 4 years ahead of me and I'm ready to face it. Even though I'm scared and don't want to leave at times, I know God will get me through it all and push me past any obstacle I may face like always!

OH I ALMOST FORGOT! My BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD gave me the BEST surprise today. She had told me earlier today (while I was out shopping) to come to her house to pick up a present she had bought me and our friend Raven and that her brother had it because him and they're younger sister came back to California to "get some stuff for the move". I asked Brittany why she wasn't here and she told me that she "wasn't allowed to come back" (they were GOING to just stay in California and live there instead of coming back to South Carolina...very long story). And I was just thinking to myself, "well that's not cool!" Well I get to her house and ring the doorbell and everything. Well, guess who answers the door?!?! BRITTANY ELIZABETH MARTIN! :) I was SO EXCITED, I just busted into tears because I had missed her SO MUCH! Well, NOW she's staying in South Carolina for another year and then moving to California next year, and even though it'll be sad to see her leave AGAIN, I know I'll be ok since when she told me she was staying in California, I didn't know of it before she left because she was supposed to only stay there for the summer! So THAT totally made my day AND my summer as well! I'm so excited to have my best friend back! I didn't know what I would have ever done without her this year!

Alright, enough of that! I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the weekend and a wonderfull upcoming week as well! And for all of you college students, good luck with everything you guys do. I know it'll be hard, but we can all get through it as long as we don't give up :)

FYI: Girlscout Thin Mint ice cream is the bomb.com :)

Doubting the Doubter

I've always known what I've wanted to do with my life ever since 10th grade, and that's to be a math teacher. I'm going to college in a little over a month and for some reason I'm doubting myself. I know that I should keep faith and not back down on my dreams, but for some odd reason lately I'm doubting on whether or not I should be a math teacher or not. I've recently decided to double major, but not quite sure if I'll be able to this year, but fingers crossed. I want to be a math teacher really bad, but I also want to major in photography because I'm really good at it from what a lot of people tell me and it's just something I love to do in my spare time. So my plan is to double major and do photography on the side. But just recently I've been thinking about a lot of things surrounding my decision. All of these questions just wonder through my mind like, "what if I don't make a good teacher?," and "what if I'm not REALLY as good at math as I thought?" A lot of people ask me why I want to be a math teacher and I just stand there without an answer because frankly, I don't know why I want to be a teacher let alone a HIGH SCHOOL MATH teacher. It's just something I feel that God is pushing me towards. I know that I really like math and it's my strongest subject in school, but other than that, I don't know. I love math, but once I get out of a math class, I forget most of the equations and concepts of the class and being a high school math teacher you have to know ALL of it. I'm just really confused lately and I feel like I'm giving up on myself and on what God wants me to do. I feel like I'm backing out and that I'm just...scared. Scared to face the fact that it'll be hard. I feel like I'm not pushing myself and I'm taking the easy way out, and I don't want to do that. I don't have all of the answers of what God wants me to do and I never truly will, but being a teacher is just something that I feel God is pushing me to and He won't let me let go no matter how hard I try. I think high school teachers probably have one the toughest and bravest jobs (I said ONE of the, not the only) because they stand there in front of 20+ kids in each class and teach THEIR knowledge and trust that it's accurate and that they're helping their students (let alone stand up there and make goobers of themselves when they mess up or trip or tell a corny joke). I don't know, I just pray that all of this will get better. I pray that God helps me with my decision because it is MY decision, no one can tell me what to be. I pray I don't stress out over this and just come up with a solution. I pray that I don't give up on myself or take the easy way out of my fears. I know I'll get through it because I'm not alone. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." 1 John 4:18(my all time favorite) "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6"Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it." Ezra 10:4

Washing Away My Worries and Troubles

I am SO excited right now, and I will tell you why. I have decided that I'm going to DOUBLE major in college so I can do two things that I love to do. I have decided to double major in math education and photography. I've always loved taking pictures and I'm really good at it if I do say so myself. I haven't had a working camera in a few months and it's been driving me nuts, so my mom's been letting me use hers and for the past few days, that's all I've been really doing and that camera has gone pretty much everywhere with me because I always see something when I'm out and say to myself, "gosh I really wish I would have had a camera!" So, I have taken a lot of pictures and everyone tells me that they're REALLY good. I wanted to major in education and minor in either photography or art/design or poetry or something. but I've decided to major in BOTH math education and photography. Yes, I'm going to be a high school math teacher photographer ha! I know those are two totally opposite things, but I just feel like God is pushing me so hard and wanting me to do SO many things with my life and I'm determined to succeed in everything I feel that He's pushing me towards. I am so content right now and I'm so glad that I know what God wants me to do with my life and that I've known since 10th grade even though it has broaden some because in 10th grade, I wanted to teach math, but just didn't know what area or grade and such, but now I know and I'm content. And who knows, those plans could ALL change later down the road, but right now that's what I'm doing and I won't settle for less. I'm ready to go off to college and pursue my dreams and I'm so glad I have God right by my side.Well it's definitely almost 2 in the morning and I have to wake up in like 5 hours to go to the beach with Chrysalis. YAY! :D So goodnight all

Relieved

I can feel God on my heart everyday, but this week, I have felt Him so much more. I spent the week with my stepmom, Tammy, and her family this week just to get away from things and it totally helped me. Though I wasn't ready to come home and saying goodbye to her hurt, I'm glad to be home and be surrounded by the people at home as well. While I was with Tammy, her and I talked so much and it felt so good to talk to her face-to-face again. She was the person who helped me so much back when my parents were getting divorced and even though she was just my stepmom, she was one of my best friends. While I was at her house, we talked about my dad (they're divorced actually and have been for like 5 years) and the things he put me through when I was little and still today. She told me that I live in the past still and I need to just move on from it. And even though I have moved on from my past since 9th grade when I met KRay, I still hold on to the past to this day just a little bit because it's hard to push past all pf the bad things I have been through in my life. But Tammy is 100% right. I DO need to just move on, and she told me once I get out on my own, it'll all get better gradually because I won't constantly have someone to remind me of my past. I love Tammy so much and it's so hard to say goodbye to her whenever I see her. Last summer was the first time I spent a week with her at her house

"It's your time to shine, so go get em'!"

My whole life I've been insecure about being myself, and I must say after I met two very important ladies that are in my life right now, that wall broke down almost completely. Back then, I was afraid to speak in front of people, I was very quiet and spoke softly (not with a big stick as Teddy Roosevelt says...lol sorry I had to), I was just very insecure about everything. And sometimes even now, I get insecure about things, but I've learned to just push past all of that and not to let what people think get to me. I've recently been going to a family friends' church/youth gathering. It's called Chrysalis Ministries and I must say, it is WONDERFUL! They're isn't many people there, but it's still amazing. I'm part of the drama team there, where we do dances to Christian songs and they're so much fun (thanks to Jordan...she rocks!) But anyway, to my point of this blog. Last Tuesday (the 16th) was the first day I went to Chrysalis and right away I jumped up and danced even though I didn't know the moves or anything. I didn't hesistate once. I just got up there and did it without even thinking. Now if you would have asked me to do that 4 years ago, I would have said, "NO WAY!" Now I knew everyone there but 2 people, but I'm not usually the type of person to just jump up and dance, but lately I have been. I see myself just jumping up and doing anything. Whether it be singing in front of people, dancing in front of people, or speaking my opinion in front of people. I'm not scared to do anything, and that all changed after I met and became closer to Mrs. Ray and Mrs. Moore. It's amazing how 2 people can change your WHOLE life, your WHOLE outlook on EVERYTHING! And I thank God everyday that He helped me and let these 2 women become very big influences in my life. Back when I just felt like giving up and that everything wasn't even worth it, I was scared, confused, hurt, and so insecure, and sometimes I feel myself going back to that, but then I remember everything that I've been taught by the people around me and I remember how hard it was to push myself out of my comfort zone and I stop myself from feeling that way and think to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to and no ONE person will bring me down no matter how much it's tempted. I thank God that I've been through the things I've been through (good AND bad) because it HAS made me a stronger person, and I've recently realized that, despite all of the people that have told me that I am a strong person. I thank God that he brought the people that I do have in my life right now in my life because without them, I'd be so lost and without God I'd be nothing. I'm so glad that I can just jump up and do anything without even thinking about it for a second. Yes, I will admit that when I do jump up and do things I ask myself, "what in the world am I getting myself into," but once I'm up in front of people, I just think of the things I have learned from so many people, and say to myself, "you know what? Who cares if I make a mistake or slip up because at the end of the day, nothing will matter except for the feeling that I had doing it and how it made me smile. Nobody matters except God, and I shouldn't try to hide myself because if I hide myself from others, I might as well hide myself from God because He can see everything." So, right now, right this minute, I'm breaking out of my shell COMPLETELY and not once will I stop myself from doing what it is I want to do. I refuse to hold myself back anymore no matter how big or how small the task is. "It's your time to shine, so go get em'!" - Mrs. Moore

????

I've been...I don't even know anymore. I feel so hurt and I wish I didn't feel that way. Today I went to church and Pastor Dan talked about how we need to go to God and put everything in us on him when we're in a "personal storm," and that's so true and I wish I could do that ALL of the time instead of just SOME of the time. After church today, I met up with my stepmom (who's been divorced to my dad for like 5 years now, but I still consider her my stepmom) and she's been having some trouble with her husband and stuff. Well she told me that she had told her husband that she had a step-daughter who lives in Lexington who never asked her to do ANYTHING for her, but to love her. And that this step-daughter loves her for HER and not for the things she does for her. And that step-daughter would be me. It hurts so bad that I don't get to see my stepmom but like once a year if that. And it hurts that I have been through so much in my life, but I still stay strong and push it all passed me. But sometimes, it's very hard and I just want to cry. I hate that my dad made mistakes in his life. Sometimes, I wish that when my dad left that he would have just never talked to me again because I think I'd be better off right now. I know that's ugly and I know that God does things for a reason and that he puts obstacles in your way to see how much you can handle and the more obstacles a person faces, the stronger that person is, but I get so frustrated and so hurt so many times that I just wish it would all go away. I know that I should never wish something away because God does EVERYTHING for a reason. I've had to go through my mom's and dad's divorce and then my dad's and Tammy's and that hurt more than anything. I just want to scream and cry until I can't anymore. I just feel like driving until I run out of gas and just see where God leads me next. I feel like God is leading me somewhere, but I can't figure it out and He won't tell me BECAUSE He wants me to figure out on my own, but with His help as well. I'm just confused and I want to move on with my life and the things I have been through.

Done and Never Going Back/Stepmom's House EEEKKK!

I'm really sick of getting hurt so many times in my life by so many people. And most of it's my fault because I keep on going to the same person over and over again thinking they will change and feeling like there is one ounce of good in them. I hate thinking the worst in people because that's just not me. I always try to find good in every person I come in contact with. I don't just give second chances, I give third, fourth, fifth, TWENTIETH! And I need to stop doing that because it only results in me getting hurt over and over again. I need to stop giving in to people's words and bringing them BACK in my life over and over again. I hate that I'm saying that, but that's just what's best for me. There's this song called "Remember That" by Jessica Simpson and keep in mind, I don't really like Jessica Simpson's music, but that song is SO TRUE! I need to remember the things people do to me and say to me and if they treat me bad, just walk away. It's that simple. Well, ok it's not simple for me because I make things harder than they really are, but seriously! I know there will be people in my life that hurt me because no one can escape from that, but I'm going to promise myself that if they hurt me once, they'll hurt me again. But yeah...off that subject...lolI really can't wait until Sunday. I'm going up to Clemson/West Union to see my stepmom and I can't wait. Even though my mom isn't real fond of the idea, but I want to do it. Her and my dad have been divorced since I was in 7th/8th grade, but I still talk to her. She's one of my best friends and a big part of my life. So yeah CAN'T WAIT!

well Mariah is out and probably going to bed, but who knows? Hope everyone has a very swell day tomorrow! :D

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." - Les Brown

Today will mark the end of a long four year journey of my life, and I have so many mixed emotions about it. At 6:00 pm tonight, I will walk across the stage at Columbia Coliseum and receive my high school diploma. Honestly, I am NOT ready, even if so many people tell me that I am. I don't do very well with changes and this is a HUGE change for me. Everything that I was used to in high school will all be gone and it won't ever be the same, and I think that's what I'm afraid of the most. I'm going to lose so much with my friends still back at school. The best friends that I have that are graduating will go off and do better things just like I will, but it's still scary that everything won't ever be the same anymore. Mrs. Moore and KRay tell me to not be a stranger when it comes to me visiting them and I wouldn't ever feel that way. I would be in their classrooms every single day after school either helping them or just talking to them, and all of that will change next year and it already has changed. They always tell me that they're only a phone call away and a hall way apart and that they'll always be there whenever I need them. Mrs. Moore always tells me that goodbyes never last forever; they just mean that we'll be parting for a little while and that we'll miss each other and think about one another until we see each other again. I keep on asking myself what I will ever do without those two crazy, but wonderful women and I still don't know the answer to that. But I do know that God is watching over me and He will guide me through all of the hardships that come my way and give me strength the whole way through.

These four years have gone by so fast though and I have grown up a lot and I have been taught a lot thoughout the years. I know Graduation will be amazing. I have a lot of people around me that are there for me and that love me very much. I know I'll be okay. It'll just take some time to get used to and take time to part from some people and be used to not seeing them everyday anymore. I know it'll be hard, but I know that God is with me and He'll get me through everything as long as I keep faith in Him.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

One of the Hardest Days of My Life

Nothing can describe how I feel at this moment. Today was probably one of the hardest days I have had to face and when I describe it on here, it won't seem like such a big deal or something to really be sad about, but to me it is a big deal. Me, Brittany, Jackie, and Ariel woke up this morning, got ready, went to graduation practice, and just had fun. I took Ariel home and I went back up to the school to help KRay in her room. Then I went to my grandparents' house and picked my brother up and we ran errands and got something to eat. Well, I had realized that I forgot to clean out my part of KRay's cabinet that had allllll of my stuff in it. So, Dakota and I went back up to the school to do that (locking my keys in the car and getting Jackie to take me to my house to get a spare key in the process), and the whole time I was holding back my tears because it is JUST NOW hitting me that I am graduating and nothing will ever be the same again. Cleaning out my part of the cabinet made me realize just how much KRay has been there for me and just how much I'm going to truly miss her. I haven't cried all week long about leaving because it never really hit me, and I guess it was because I spent almost everyday with KRay this week helping her, so I had no need to say goodbye to her (or anybody for that matter) quite yet. Just looking back at my freshman year, she was just another teacher and I would have never guessed back then that a teacher would become one of my best friends. I have known her for 4 years and she has helped me more than anybody has ever helped me outside of my family, and she never had to. As I cleaned out my part of the cabinet and leaving her room for the last time it finally hit me that I would no longer go in her room to get my books between classes, I would no longer go in there asking her if she had crackers because of my blood sugar being low, I would no longer go in there and give her a hug when I could tell she was having a bad day, and I would no longer go in there and hear her say, "HEY GIRLFRIEND!". All of the memories just rushed back in from all of the times I've cried on her shoulder to the busting out laughs over the most ridiculous things. I keep saying this over and over again, but I always ask myself, "what am I going to do without her next year?" (and better yet, what will SHE do without ME next year?) She (and Mrs. Moore) always tell me that it's going to hurt and saying goodbye will be painful to say, but that 1. goodbyes don't last forever, 2. they're always a phone call away and a hall apart, and 3. I'm ready to go and be on my path. I don't feel like I'm ready though no matter how many times they tell me I am and no matter how many pieces of advice they give me, I just don't feel ready. And that has a lot to do with me not being able to cope with change quickly. So in a way, I know I AM ready, but not ready to face the changes I guess you could say. Those two women are amazing. They have helped me SO much when they never had to, but they did and I'm so glad they did because I would NOT be the person I am today without those two. I just hope that I don't cry too bad tomorrow at my graduation party when they're both there...lol.

So excited

God has totally shifted things around this week and I am so thankful. I found out that I DID pass US History, so that means I graduate, and I actually got accepted to Columbia College so I'm stoked about that. I can feel God more and more as the days go by and I pray that He'll keep giving me strength to bounce back up in every situation that is thrown at me. I can't wait until Saturday and Monday even though that's going to be the two hardest days of my life at the moment. Saturday is my Graduation Party where I'll say goodbye to a lot of my friends and Monday is actual Graduation. I can't believe these four years have gone by so fast. I always here little freshman in the hallway saying, "Gosh, I can't wait until I graduate and get out of here!" Looking back, I remember saying that back when I was ending my freshman year, but I would do anything to go back because time flies by so quickly. I have met so many fabulous people and have became best friends with them and it's very hard knowing that it won't ever be the same once I graduate, even though I'll only be across town and only a phone call away. It still will never be the same. I'm going to miss so many people, and it's going to be very hard to say goodbye to them, but I know goodbyes don't last forever. Just like Mrs. Moore always tells me, "Goodbyes don't last forever and goodbyes have no end; they just simply mean that I will miss you until we meet again." I just pray that God will give me strength this week and the week to come. And I pray that He'll be there with me when I have to say my goodbyes. "The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord let His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. The Lord look upon you kindly and give you peace." Numbers 7:24-26

Confused and tired

I'm getting so frustrated, it's not even funny. I can't remember most conversations that I've had 5 minutes ago. I went to church this morning and I couldn't tell you half the things Pastor Dan was saying, and trust me, I listen during church. I can't remember who I tell things to. KRay has to explain to me how to grade her papers, which isn't me at all. I went the wrong way to go to my grandparents' house (well it awasn't the wrong way, but it wasn't the normal way I go...I went the way we used to). I forget which pictures I've saved and which ones I haven't. I forget where I place things, which I know a lot of people do, but I mean, COME ON really? I'M JUST NOT MYSELF! Some of my friends keep telling me that I'm acting different, not in a bad way or anything, but in a way that's not me. My grandma keeps on telling me it's my sinuses, but I don't think so because that's never happened before. I pass out Tuesday night and don't remember the last 2 hours. Something's wrong and I want to know what. This isn't me at all. Everyone kept on telling me on Wednesday that it'll all get better in a day or two and that I'd start remembering things, but it's almost been a week now and I can't be patient any longer. I want to remember now. I just pray that God will help me and just keep me strong. I pray that I'll start remembering things and just become myself again. I just pray really hard.

myself I am no longer

I don't feel like myself at all. I don't laugh the same, I don't write or text the same, I don't talk the same, I don't do anything the same. I feel like a stranger. Maybe it's just because everything is changing and I don't adjust well with changes, but every since Tuesday night, I'm not myself and everyone's noticing it. KRay's been having to explain how to grade her papers and stuff at least twice to me and that's not me. I always understand what she's telling me right off the bat. Maybe it's just because my head isn't functioning at all. I don't feel like going anywhere but home and school which I know I'm the biggest home body there is, but it's not like me to NOT do anything with my friends and stuff. I don't know. Maybe I just need to sleep more or just make myself go outside. I went to my pond last night and was out there for like 30 minutes and out of no where I just wanted to go home and that's not me at all. I practially live out there. I love going outside and going to our ponds and just sitting out there, but I haven't been wanting to do that lately and I don't like that at all. What's funny is that I love cleaning my room (don't ask me why...I get it from my dad I guess), but I don't even feel like doing that! And another thing: I have to finish my graduation party invitations and usually I'm all like, "OH MY GOODNESS LET'S DO IT!" But I don't want to right now. Maybe I'm just too tired and drained to do anything. I don't know. I just pray that I get better and I pray that I'll just be myself again. I don't know....

Off On An Adventure

I’m sitting here at my uncle’s pond and it is SO peaceful out here (except for the occasional pine straws that keep falling on my head…lol). Dakota said he heard big foot in the “forest” that’s back here yesterday, so I better WATCH OUT he says! HAHA! He cracks me up! But anyway…yesterday was my official LAST day of high school as a student, and it feels so weird to say that let alone it actually happening. Today I helped KRay grade boo-coos of papers. What’s funny is that I’m not allowed on campus during school hours, and this morning I tried to come through the office because KRay had given me a pass, but one of the administrators told me I couldn’t do that, so what does Kray do? She sneaks me in…bahaha I love her! So I’m going to be sneaking in her room to help her everyday next week which will be fun because I’ll be spending more time with her before I have to actually leave and not be able to see her regularly. It feels so weird saying that. I have no idea what I’m going to do without her or Mrs. Moore next year (let alone what KRay will do without me next year). It definitely won’t EVER be the same, but they have reassured me that I’ll be just fine and that they’re only a phone call away. I just can’t believe these four years have gone by SO fast. I remember being a little, shy freshman walking into KRay’s room without a care in the world and look at me now? She has definitely helped me become the young woman I am today and without her, I have no clue where I’d be at. Same goes to Mrs. Moore. These women are truly amazing and I know that I will NEVER EVER forget them. Four more years and I’ll be a teacher. Why does life have to go by so fast? Lol. Well, I’m pretty sure I hear big foot coming out of the “deep, dark forest” so I’m off to do something…ANYTHING! =]

Memory Loss Much?

Wow what a week! I had to go to the emergency room Tuesday night/Wednesday morning because they think I had a seizure. I don’t remember hardly anything and it’s driving me BONKERS! I remember my chorus concert and almost passing out afterwards because I hadn’t eaten since I was at school for 4 hours and never went home, but I don’t remember my friend Katie giving me my graduation bracelet while we were handing out programs for the concert which is weird because while she gave me it we were talking about this particular guy who we saw SMOKING coming up the stairs for the concert (not mentioning any names…bahaha). So idk…I remember talking to my mom, Brittany, Dillon, Tobi, Ariel, and Ariel’s mom about going to the bonfire that night, but I don’t remember going to the bonfire when we all did except for Ariel. I remember that me and Tobi were supposed to pick up Ariel, but supposively her and I got into an arguments because it was 9:47 and me and Tobi were still not on our way to pick Ariel up and Ariel had to be home by 10:30 so it was no use in her going. I don’t remember having that conversation. I remember going to Tobi’s house, my house to change, McDonalds, the gas station, waving at one of my friends at Coldstone, and Foodlion to talk Adam and Collin into going to the bonfire, but I don’t remember getting in Tobi’s truck after that. I don’t remember ever going to the bonfire, talking to my mom at the bonfire, being mad at Brittany, seeing Brittany at the bonfire, or anything. My memory has come back a little bit, but not a whole lot. I remember throwing my McDonalds cup into the fire just because my mom asked me what I did with it. Tobi said something about horses and I knew that Katie (the bonfire was help at her house) had horses because she told me that back in 9th grade. I slowly remembered one horse out of the like 10 she had. It was the white one named Chloe. I kept on looking at my hands while I was in the hospital because my left one was dirty and my right was not. That’s when I remembered me touching the white horse and apparently I touched all of the horses, but don’t remember any of them but the white one. Brittany told me that the white horse was my favorite so that’s probably why I remember her. And then Wednesday night Brittany and I were flipping through my yearbook and I immediately stopped and pointed at this girl and Brittany asked me why I remember her because she was at the bonfire, but I don’t remember WHY I remember her. Brittany told me because that girl was dancing crazy the whole night. I don’t remember me, Tobi, Brittany, Adam, and Collin going to Collin’s dad’s house. That’s where I had my seizure. I don’t even remember Brittany ever being with me. I knew she was going to go to the bonfire because she told me that after my concert, but I don’t remember seeing her. When I remember me throwing my cup in the bonfire, the white horse, and that girl, it’s so weird. It’s like a bright, white background and just a fire and just me and the horse and just the girl. No trees that were supposively behind the bonfire, no stable where the horses were supposively at, and no other people around that girl or motion of what the girl was doing. It’s so weird! I’m so confused and I wished so badly that I could remember stuff, and hopefully I will. I get so lost during the day. I forget conversations I have with people, I forget what I’m doing half the time, and I just forget the littlest things. Like yesterday and again today, KRay was explaining to me what to grade on each of the papers she gave me and how to grade them, and she had to explain it to me at least twice. Haha I don’t feel as stupid because she forgets things to on account of she had surgery and was put on this medicine where she loses her short term memory. I don’t know, I just wish I could just wake up and remember everything! That senior bonfire was supposed to be special because it was just all of us seniors coming together to have fun and throw all of our school stuff away because we’re finally done, but yet, I don’t remember any of it and it makes me so mad. I lost like 2 hours of information and I get so frustrated when people come up to me and ask me things about the bonfire. I just sit there looking confused and scared and pretty much just stupid. So I just nod and laugh and act like I know what the heck they’re talking about when I don’t! I get so frustrated and scared where I’m on the verge of tears because I don’t remember things. It is scary and I just pray that I’ll remember.

MAJOR VENTING

My sister's wedding is over...lol! It was really nice though and everyone had a good time. I got a little upset though when my sister's and grandpa's first dance came along. It just upsets me that my dad couldn't of made the initiative the have a relationship with my sister. My sister gave up on him along time ago, probably the minute he left when I was 10 and she was 12. I've always had a stronger relationship with my daddy above any of my siblings. I guess because my brother was only a year old when my dad left, so he never got a chance to even know our dad. And my sister was so close to my mom. I remember when me and my sister were little, her, my dad, and I would have movie nights, tickle-times, clean-up weekends, and sleepovers where we'd sleep backwards and sideways on the bed. I miss my dad, but I know that everything won't ever be the same. My dad was not always a nice person to be around and we all hated that, so in a way, it was better for him gone.
What really made me upset was that Thursday, my dad had called while me, my sister, and our cousin Stephanie while were out for Amber's bachelorette party and I didn't realize it until we got back at the house at 9:30. Then we went out again and didn't get home until close to 1 in the morning. He had left me a message and I couldn't get anything out of his message except for "the wedding," so I ASSUMED that he had a question about Amber's wedding. So I called him back at 1 in morning because I knew he'd be up and I asked him if he was still going to the wedding. Well, he jumped down my throat because "he didn't know when the wedding was." He cussed me, my sister, and my mom out because he wouldn't be walking her down the isle and instead our grandfather was, and the whole time I was thinking, "if he didn't know WHEN the wedding was, how in the world did he think he could walk her down the isle?" I did NOT like the attitude my dad had and he had no right to do that to us. I don't know. I'm just sick of getting hurt by him all the time, and I'm really contemplating whether or not to just give up on him at this point. I've tried and tried to help him become "a better father" for Dakota's sake at least because me and Amber know what my dad is like and Dakota doesn't. Dakota was only a year old when my dad left so he had no clue what was going on. He still doesn't fully understand why his daddy doesn't live with him let alone spend anytime with him. Dakota asks me constantly if his daddy loves him and I tell him that he does very much, but then Dakota tells me that if his daddy did love him then he would come see him. What do say to a 9 year old who has constantly asked that since he was 5 years old? It's very hard not to let things like that worry you and I try everyday to just let things go and not worry about them, but sometimes it's not that easy. Thanks to my dad, me and my sister both had to grow up faster than we were supposed to, we had to put up with so many things, we had to balance school and a year old little boy all at the same time, and keep my mother's head on straight. My mother is the STRONGEST person I know. She kept so many things together after my dad left. I knew it was hard for her, but she did what she needed to do for her kids, and I thank God that she was able to do that. With everything my daddy did and said, I have forgiven him because I believe that holding grudges is pointless and it drives a person crazy for the rest of their life because they constantly worry about it all. Just like Mrs. Ray tells me all of the time, "You will never be able to FORGET the things you've been through, but you have to FORGIVE it all; don't dwell on the past, it's what made you the strong person you are today."

Yet Another

Yet another restless night. I've come to conclusion that it is stress. I'm so tired and drained, but my mind won't let me sleep making me stay up. I've got so many things going on it's not even funny, and it's little things too. I guess it's just my way of getting organized. I've made lists and lists of what I need to get done, but everytime I scratch one thing out that's completed, four more are added. I know once my sister's wedding and my graduation are over I'll finally be able to relax. I don't know. I really need to TRY and get some sleep. So hatching Mariah has left the building.

SandWHICH Which to Choose: Middle Child Syndrome

Wow this is my 3rd one in one day. I'm on a role.
So I can't sleep for some odd reason if that's not obvious. I haven't been able to do that a lot lately. The last month actually. I guess it's just stress, which I must say most of that is gone, so kuddos for that. I just have a lot on my mind...TOO MUCH on my mind actually. My graduation, my sister's wedding, going to college, all that jazz. I'm ready to leave, but I'm not ready to leave the people I love behind. It's like I'm stuck in the middle (like always). It's not easy being the middle child I suppose. I'm the middle child, I always get stuck in the middle of conversations and it doesn't matter who it's with. I'm always stuck "in between", I can never make up my mind on things. Like in Mrs. Moore's class: she'll give us a topic to write on sometimes and we have to choose sides and I'm the WORST at that because I can never go on ONE side. Just about everything i can never make up my mind. Get this flavor soda or get this one, this color or that, do this or do that, wear this or wear that, carry this or carry that...EVERYWHERE I go it's this or that and 9 out of 10 times, I choose both. It's a gift, what can I say? lol. Sometimes I wish I could make up my mind on most things, but I guess that's just who God made me: The Middle Child: Destined to Stay in the Middle Wherever She Goes. What a label. 12:08 in the morning. What to talk about? THIS or THAT...lol.
My sister's wedding is this coming Friday, and no offense, but I can't wait until it's over. It's been very stressful for all of us especially my mom. My mom's making/has made most of my sister's stuff: her bouquet, mine and our cousin Stephanie's bridesmaids candle/glass thing we're carrying, flower arrangements, you name it, my mom's made it except the dress, the cake, and the food. Ordered all of that, but yeah. My mom's superwoman and my sister? BRIDES-ZILLA! RAAAAWWWRRR watch out! lol. You think I'm joking, but I'm far from joking. I just can't wait until this is all over and done with so I can focus all of my time on my graduation which will be VERY hectic. The price you pay to have a HUMONGO family from all 4 sides may I add. My grandma is 1 out of 8 I believe and my grandfather is 1 out of 9 I believe. So yeah, tons of family, and I love every minute of it!
But yeah, I may go to bed now? I don't know. It's the last full week for seniors and I believe we get our yearbooks either tomorrow or sometime this week. But I really don't care about getting sleep. School is almost over and I could care less if I get a "good nights sleep" anymore...lol. But I'm going to "try" and go to sleep (wink wink) lol so goodnight world. May everyone have a blessed week! =]

Goodbyes Don't Last Forever

Someone once told me that whatever I do, wherever I go, and whatever I do in my life, they'll always be there for me and that God will always be there for me.

I have only a week and a half of high school left, and I have no idea how I'm going to face the "real-world" when I leave. I'm lucky to have 2 very important women at Lexington High School and those 2 women would have to be Mrs. Karen Ray and Mrs. Beth Moore. They have helped me so much throughout high school. I've known Mrs. Ray since 9th grade and Mrs. Moore since 11th grade and they've both taught me so many things that I know will carry me throughout the rest of my life. Looking back through high school, I have grown up a lot. I have learned so many things about myself these last 4 years and I have coped with a lot of things along the way. I have become a TRUE Christian who has given her heart to God in everything she does, and I have no idea where my life would be or who I would be for that matter without God in my life. He has set me on a path that I'm determined to succeed on and determined to follow. God has surrounded with the BEST family and friends a girl could ever ask for, and I have gotten closer to so many people. Life has been up and down like a mad roller coaster, but God has gotten me through it all. I know that I will be just fine. I know and I believe that I'm ready to face this new and challenging chapter in my life called college. I know and believe that God will continue to strengthen me, give me courage, and help me become a better person through Him. I trust God will get me through everything I stress and worry about. I trust God when He puts me on 2 totally separate paths even if I don't really like one or both of them. I'm ready to face everything that's ahead of me. I'm ready to give my all to God, and I'm ready to fly above and go on my own path. I'm ready.

I just want to thank all of my family and all of my friends for being there for me through everything. I thank my mom, my grandma, my sister, and my Aunt Lisa for being there for me, putting up with me, getting me through everything, and never once giving up on me. Yall know exactly what to do to make me feel better and I don't know where I'd be without you women. I thank Mrs. Ray and Mrs. Moore for being there for me, giving me the strength and courage I need to push through everything, listening to me, giving me advice, teaching me so many things in life, and being 2 of my best friends. I have no idea how I'm going to say goodbye to you 2 women. You 2 have taken me so far in life with just the short time that I've known yall. It's going to be so different next year. It'll never be the same, but I know I have enough courage and strength to get through this...because of yall. I love yall so much and I thank yall so much for everything yall have done to help me cope with so many things. Yall always tell me to go and that I'm ready to "hatch" and spread my wings and fly. "Leaving the nest," yall say. It's going to hurt so bad leaving yall and saying goodbye, but I know this isn't goodbye forever. I know I'll stay in touch with you guys. "When you leave and go off on your separate path, just know that the love will never ever fade away not will it ever break; but instead it will grow and expand. No matter where you go or how many miles are between us, always know that I love you. You always know where to find me, I'm always a phone call away, and I will ALWAYS love you."

Experienced Lessons

There's only 8 more school days left of school for seniors, and I'm so anxious to get out of here. I didn't make it into Winthrop for the fall, but I'll be transferring in the Spring. I know God has a plan for me even if I don't like that plan at the moment, but I do know that things will fall into place and that God does things for a reason. So, I'm deciding to just put a smile on my face and follow His plan that He's still putting me on.
I was at church this morning and it was a very different worship then it usually is. Usually we sit in the sanctuary waiting for everyone to come in, listen to announcements that Pastor Dan and other people have, greet one another, sing, watch the woman in the choir fall asleep during the sermon, do the offering and the communion, sing some more, and all that jazz. But today was slightly different. 2 peoplpe joined the churched as members and 1 got baptized. And usually at the offering, there's special music that the choir sings, but instead of the whole choir singing, a woman just sang. Her name is Susan and she is blind and truly has a gift when it comes to singing. (changing subjects, but pertaining to the same topic): I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition last night and that episode was about a young man in college who is blind and is confined to a wheelchair because of other disabilites. They remodeled his family's home because it just wasn't safe for this young man. He moto for life is, "I'm not disabled, I'm abled." Isn't that amazing? He, too has an amazing talent. And that is to sing, play piano, and the trumpet, and I believe other instruments as well. Susan is the same way. She is the sweetest woman I know at my church and she truly has a gift, and I'm glad I got to hear her sing this morning because her voice is gorgeous!
I think it's amazing that people who are disabled have such a positive attitude about life. 9 out of 10 times you never hear them complain about not being able to do certain things. My little brother, Dakota, is disabled, but you wouldn't think he was if you looked at him. He has a learning diablility and a speech problem, but he never lets that stop him day-to-day. He's the happiest child I have EVER met and I just love his attitude on life. He looks at things and wonders about things that NO ONE else would ever think and look at. He doesn't see himself as "disabled" because he knows he's ABLE to do anything he sets his mind too. "I'm not disabled, I am abled because I don't give up on myself or my dreams. Instead, I shoot for the stars and aim for my goals." That's what the young man on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition said last night, and that right there is just amazing.
My challenge is this: anyone and everyone who is reading this, have a positive attiude about life no matter what's going on and no matter how bad you think things are. Trust in God and He'll be there for you. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Philippans 4:13. I hope everyone has a great rest of the Sunday and has a fabulous week this week. God bless everyone! =]

Climbing the Mountain

I haven't had the best of weeks in awhile now. Everything is just so hectic and I'm not liking it too much. I got some bad news today. I didn't get accepted to Winthrop, but will be able to go in the Spring. So, I'm going to go to Midlands Tech and boose my GPA. I'm planning on getting apartment over there. I'm just very confused and stressed out lately though. I have 13 school days left, and it's very stressful at the end with Senior Project, tests, and other projects winding down my senior year. I'm ready to leave though. I'm ready to be on my own and I deserve that even though I'm hurting some people for wanting to leave. My mom's having a very hard time understanding why I won't to leave. It has nothing to do with her or the way I live, it's just all me. I need to reflect on my life and do things for ME and put myself first. I've been putting others first since my dad left, and I think it's finally time for me to put myself first even though I don't know to quite do that, but I know I'm ready to face everything. I may be scared, but I'm ready. Cutting this short. I hope everyone has a great night and a very good day tomorrow. =]

"Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand and what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hands."

Letting Go and Letting God

My theme lately is, "let go and let God". I haven't been on here in awhile. I've just been so busy and haven't had a computer for awhile either. I've been so confused and stressed out lately, and I feel like just running and never stopping. I'm tired of getting hurt by so many people. I've been putting up with it and getting through it since I was 10 years old, and this is final straw. I know that everyone gets hurts; there's no stopping it. You just have to deal with it, let it go, move on, and learn from it, and that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do. I'm letting go and letting God handle everything. I feel selfish and just plain out awful for saying this, but I'm so ready to leave Lexington behind me and move to Rock Hill where I'll be going to Winthrop University so I can just reflect on my life and be away. I need to do this for me and no one else. I need to put EVERYTHING in God's hands and trust Him more. I'm ready to spread my wings and push everything behind me. I know I won't ever forget everything I've been through, but I know I can keep on forgiving it and learn from it. I can't wait for the day I go to Winthrop or whichever college I choose to go to in the fall. I have about 3 months in counting now. I love Lexington, don't get me wrong. I just need to get away for awhile, get a new and fresh start, and just reflect on everything I've been going through and everything I'm currently going through. I'll come back to Lexington. I just need time to my self for awhile. I just pray that God keeps setting me on the right path. I pray that He'll help me get through everything with a positive attitude and a positive mind-set on it all. I pray that I will stay strong and never give up on myself. Even though I feel myself slipping, I pray that God will keep pushing me back up. I know I can do this.

"A girl's heart should be so wrapped up in God that a guy has to seek him to find her"

So I've learned a lot in my life and those teachings have definitely come in handy throughout the week. I've learned that no guy can ever pressure me into doing things I don't want to do. I have learned that I can say no with confidence and not guilt. I've learned that no guy will ever treat me wrong like my daddy did when he was with my mom. I've learned that a guy can never change the decisions I make for my life. I have learned that I need to find a guy who not only respects me, but himself as well. I have learned that I need to focus on my life and what is best for me above all things. I have learned that no one can tell me what to do, where to go, or how to live my life. I have learned that God does so many things for a reason. He brought me this so called boy to me to test my decisions and my beliefs, and God has truly showed me so much this week. He has showed me that I can do anything as long as I allow Him to be right next to me every step of the way. I have learned that I can respect myself and have enough dignity for myself. I have learned that the ONLY guy who can ever break my heart is my daddy because he will always come back and I can never be mad at him. I love my daddy and all of the mistakes he has made. HE is the one who has taught me to NEVER date or even marry a guy who treats me the way he treated my mom. My dad owns up to his mistakes and he learns from them even if I don't agree with that on every situation. My mom has taught me how to be strong and how to make the decisions I have made and will make in the future. My grandma and my aunt have taught me how to have respect for myself and have enough dignity for myself. My sister has taught me how to become a happy person by the good decisions I make for myself. She has taught me to wait for that guy who truly loves me for me. My sister has done that and I must say my new brother will be the BEST husband to her and I love him to death because he has respect for himself and my sister! And then there's Mrs. Ray and Mrs. Moore! These ladies are just amazing! It's great to have family to teach you so many things throughout your life and I'm thankful to have that kind of family, but it's awesome to have 2 women outside of my family who care about me, love me, and who teach me so many things about life. Mrs. Ray, you were SO right when you said, "the only thing boys want are THESE and THIS!" You 2 women crack me up and yall have taught me so many things about life and about the things I've been through and how to stay strong. You 2 women will always be in my heart and EVERYTHING yall have taught me will go with me forever and it will help me get through every decision I make. I can truly feel God on my heart everyday, helping me make decisions and testing those decisions by throwing obstacles my way and I'm so glad I'm a strong enough person to stand my ground and not back down from the decisions I make, the goals I shoot for, and the beliefs that I truly believe in!

Church Sermons

Today's sermon at church was awesome! On our church's sign outside it reads, "eat your vegetables," and we were all wondering what Pastor Dan meant by that. Well, that's what his sermon was all about this morning. He asked us to raise our hands if our parents or grandparents ever told us when we were little to eat our vegetables because they're good for us. Hands went up and he explained to us how he thought his grandmother loved him until she put nasty bushell sprouts on his plate as a child, and we all laughed. He told us even his wife "nags I mean fusses" at him to eat his vegetables (his wife wasn't in there and he told us, "just like Las Vegas, what's said in this church, stays in this church" lol). But he told us how when our parents and/or grandparents tell us to eat our vegetables, they say that because they love us and because vegetables are good for us. The same with God and church. Without either one, we don't feel well. Not sick, but empty. Without God in our lives, we're lost and empty.

Last week's sermon was good as well. Pastor Dan compared our relationship with God to spelling. If we don't start off spelling with the correct letter, we'll never spell it correct. It'll be a whole different word. Just like our relationship with God. If we skip steps to reach Him, or if we don't come to Him first, it's all wrong. It's not the same at all if we don't spell with the correct letter or come to God FIRST with our problems. He should always be the first one we go to; not second, not third, FIRST.

Proverbs 3:3: "Let love and faithfulness never leave you …write them on the tablet of your heart."

Lessons Learned

This week has totally opened up my eyes. I've learned who my true friends are, who I can trust and who I can't, and who I can tell EVERYTHING to. I've also learned not to push away from someone because of their frustrations and instead, be with that person even if they are frustrated, and not to push away from them because even though they may be mad at the world and take their frustrations out on you, YOU'RE probably the one they need the most at that given time. You have to push through that persons' flaws, not push away from them. Everyone has flaws and we all need to take those flaws and accept them.

It's getting nearer and nearer until the day I graduate and EVERY SINGLE TIME I think about it, it terrifies me to know that I will have to leave SO many people behind. I have to go my separate path and they theirs. It scares me to death! All of these questions come flooding in my head like: What will happen to my friendship with all of these amazing people in my life? When will I ever see them again? Will that separation change us and make us drift apart? So many questions! But then I think to myself, yes we will change because of that separation because we'll be out of our routine of seeing each other everyday and walking to class together everyday and yes, we won't see each other as often as we would like....but all I have to do is handle it and put it in God's hands. I have to handle the goodbyes and the hardships of leaving my friends behind just like EVERYONE else does. Yes, it'll hurt SO bad that I may feel like giving up, but I CAN'T! God didn't make me or anybody for that matter, to be quitters and give up everything just because of hardships. It will be SO hard to say goodbye, there will be tears flowing and hearts breaking, but we all just have to give it all to God and He'll take care of it all as long as we trust in Him and give Him 100% EVERYTHING! Isn't that amazing?!?! I think that's just so amazing how you can have all these troubles in your life, but turn to God and trust in Him and put everything in His hands...and He'll handle it and let things get better for you.

I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. (Psalm 16:8)

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. (Deuteronomy 33:27)

I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. (Psalm 46:1-3)

Welcome to Life In The Food Chain of Stereotypical-ism

Wow! What a day! I really have to share this so here it goes:

So, I walked into 4th block today thinking everything will go normal: pick up worksheets from the back table, grab a book, sit down, hear Mrs. Cunningham talk, go over homework, and start on the worksheets, like a normal day. Well, I was wrong. Yes, we walk in and grab a book (there were no worksheets to grab) and sit down to wait on Mrs. Cunningham and everything. Well, she tells us to get out the worksheets from Friday, so we did, and we start going over them. But then we get side-tracked when we stopped at the Battle of Gettysburg. Mrs. Cunningham asked one question about the Battle of Gettysburg, something about how black and white people were different back during the Civil War, and all of a sudden it turns into this whole debate-like situation. There is one black guy in our class, and I must say, he is the COOLEST black guy I've ever met. He's just really laid back and funny as mess. Well this other guy (not mentioning any names), goes off and says, "See he's 'normal'. He doesn't dress like these other black people around the school thinking he's all cool. No, he doesn't do that. But I really hate how all of these black people, and a lot of white people do this too, but how they all hoop and holler through the hall ways and how they push and shove you by saying, 'hey white boy! It's so aggravating when we're here to have an education, not to act like monkeys."

That statement really offended me and a lot of others offended me, too. THIS IS 2009! Why are we STILL acting like nothing's changed between races. I know some people who are racist and hey, that's their decision, whatever floats their boat, but seriously, come on! This isn't 1950 junk. Times have changed!

People in the class went on and said that black people are stereotyped because of the clothing they wear and the way they act, and that goes towards EVERYONE, not just black people. Yes, when you dress a certain way, you tend to act a certain way, but that doesn't mean you're a "bad person". You can't judge someone for that. Shoot, you shouldn't judge anyone at all. It doesn't matter what color our skin is or where you come from. We shed the same color blood, we were made the same way, we were all made by God! And I really don't understand how people sit there and judge people because they're "different". EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. NO ONE PERSON IS THE SAME!

I was talking to Kendall, the only black guy in our class, about how one of guys that said a bunch of stuff mentioned above, has done bad things too. This guy said that black people are stereotyped as "bad" because of the way they dress. Well this same guy has made some mistakes also that I won't mention, but for someone to sit there and say things like that when they have not made the brightest decision makes me a little angry. EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES! No one person is perfect. We make mistakes and LEARN FROM THEM, and move on with our lives. But for someone to judge someone because of what they wear, is ridiculous.

Another thing that someone said is how Mexicans, Asians, and other ethnic backgrounds come to America and "try to change our country by speaking THEIR language". I know that in schools today, we are required to have 2 of the same foreign language to graduate, and I hear a lot of people say, "well why are WE, as an English-speaking country, required to learn THEIR language?" Last time I checked this is AMERICA, where everyone is FREE: free to speak, free to have religion, free to do so many things! So, why? Why do people discriminate against people who come here to get away from the struggles they have to become FREE! Yes, the United States speaks mostly English, but why do people sit there and say, "THOSE people need to speak OUR language or they can go back to where they come from!" NO! That's totally not right. That's not right at all! Yes, they would be better off to LEARN English so they can get around and stuff, but don't sit there and say, "go back to where you came from!" That right there puts a bad name to the United States. And people really wonder why other countries speak badly of us. America was somewhere people could come to be free from struggles and free from getting treated badly. America shouldn't be about speaking English and all of these ridiculously rude things.

I also really despise labels. You know the prep, the jock, the skater, the thug, the emo, the dork, the nerd, all of it! It's stupid, and years from now, when MOST of us grow up, it won't matter! So, why don't we just drop it now while we're teenagers? If we see it as stupid now, we won't have to worry about people getting beat up because they're a "specific label" and they won't get picked on either. I just don't understand. Yes, I know it's high school and yes, I know there are a lot of things that go on and around the school, but seriously why let the color of someones' skin get in the way of being friends with them? I really think people need to grow up and get passed the issues that OUR ANCESTORS had to face! OUR ANCESTORS! Some kids in my class said that EVERYONE has a label and that you can look around and NO labels mix together, and that's a load of bull crap! I can tell you that I am NOT a label. And I mix with so many different people. And I'm not the only one. You can DRESS "preppy" and still be really really smart. You can DRESS like a "thug" and still be really really smart! Labels have no meaning what so ever! You dress "preppy", but not every "prep" acts the same. It's just all stupid! We go to school for an EDUCATION, not to show off and try to be cool and brag about things we have. That's the thing about school now. Everyone is SO focused on what they look like and how they act and present themselves, that they are failing in school. How dumb does that sound? But it's totally true!

We should ALL come together and ACT equal and I mean truly ACT! Not just PRETEND! We must all come together before this country goes even more downhill than it already is. If we come together and look past the race, the color, the CLOTHES, than we will become a stronger country and maybe, just maybe, rise above all of this mess that's going on! It's time to change! And it's time to drop what our ANCESTORS have started. And no one can do it, but ourselves.

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32

"By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you have love one to another."
John 13:35

Psalm 3:5-6

Goodness I feel extremely good right now even though I am COMPLETELY confused about so many things. Isn't that weird? I think yes, but anyway. I can really feel God move me lately and I must say, it's an amazing feeling and I can't even explain it. It's really hitting me hard that I have only about 2 months until I graduate, and then about 5 months until I leave for college. I know I'm ready though. I keep on thinking about it over and over again through my head of how things will be on my last day of high school. How many goodbyes I'll say, how many people I'll leave behind, and just so many scenarios go through my head. I know that I'm so ready. God is just moving me towards this one dream I have and I'm so ready to fulfill it. I'm just staying on God's path the whole way through and I pray that I can stay on it. Well, I'm about to go to bed. Yes I know, I'm an old lady...haha! By the way: it's SO gorgeous outside, well it was today. It just feels really good outside at the moment that I have an urge to go sleep outside...lol but I won't...goodnight my fellow readers! =]

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Psalm 3:5-6

The Mystery of the Pretty Indian Lady

I HAVE to share this! So, my brother is in love with the "Indian Lady". Well not IN LOVE, but he really likes her just because she has cool stuff in her classroom. He told me the other day, "are you going to go see that Indian pretty lady today?" And I told him, "why yes I am." He goes on and asked me who Amber (our older sister) is marrying, and I told him, "Jon Ryan, you silly boy!" and he said, "oh, well who are you marrying, Mariah?" By this time, I was totally confused and told him, "Dakota, I am too young to get married, who are YOU marrying?" And I was thinking that you know maybe he'd be like, "ew gross girls have cooties and I'm not going to get married!" Oh NO, he just paused and said, "I have someone in mind!" I was totally shocked that that just came out of a 9-year-old's mouth so I asked him, "oh really, and who may THAT be?" He said, "the pretty Indian Lady!" I was still confused and asked him who the "pretty Indian Lady" was and he said, "you know that pretty Indian Lady with the cool things like the car signy thingy?" Right when that came out of his mouth, I KNEW who he was talking about. And I was like, "WOAH Dakota, she is way too far out of your league!" He said, "Mariah she doesn't play baseball!" So I told him, "besides, you can't marry someone just because they have cool stuff, well you can, but that's not cool." So he said, "oh, ok well then I'll just marry that girl I met on the playground today!" bahahaha oh gosh my brother is adorable! Oh by the way, the "pretty Indian lady" would be Mrs. Moore and when I asked Dakota why he calls her that he said, "because she's dark and she's pretty!" bahaha that's what you get for being tan and pretty, Mrs. Moore!

Shocked

The worst words to hear come out of someone's mouth is the words telling you that your friend, family member, someone you love has passed away. Hollie Easterbrook, Laura-Ashley Boone and Laura-Ashley's stepmom, Luwanna, passed away yesterday morning when Luwanna lost control of the car. The car went air bourne and struck many trees, splitting the car in 2, killing all 3 of them on the scene. I knew Hollie. I met her a few years ago through some friends, and I'm sad I didn't get to know her better. It's so strange how you can talk to someone, and than they're gone just like that. Hollie has posted her status on Facebook as, "hoping it doesn't snow tomorrow." It's strange how you can set your status on Facebook as, "going out, be back later," and never come back. It's strange how you can talk to a friend and then hours later find out that they're gone. I know Hollie, Laura-Ashley and Luwanna are in safe hands now with the Lord and I know He's taking good care of them at this very moment. And we all have to be happy for them and say goodbye even though it hurts too much to. But we just have to stay strong and cope with it. Everything happens for a reason and I always believe that no matter how shocking the outcomes may be. My best friend Brittany knew Laura-Ashley and when I saw the look on Brittany's face today when she found out what had happened to her friend, I felt sick to my stomach. I just gave Brittany a hug, let her cry on my shoulder, reassured her that Laura-Ashley was safe now, told her to stay strong, and told her that I loved her. And the whole time, I felt so helpless even though Brittany told me I was helping her so much, I still felt helpless. But I guess that's all a friend needs, reassurance and comfort. It's so hard to lose a friend and you never know what the right thing is to say to a person who has lost someone. You just have to be there for them.

Everyone please pray for Hollie and Laura-Ashley's families and friends. Pray for Laura-Ashley's little sister Emmy. She lost a sister, a stepmother, and a best friend all at once. It's hard to lose someone, but it's extremely hard to lose 3 people all at once. Just pray that God will keep making her strong through all of this. Pray for their family and friends and pray to God that everyone gets through this. R.I.P. Hollie, Laura-Ashley and Luwanna. I know God is with all 3 of you women keeping you safe and letting you guys look down on all of us.

And do me a 2 favors: First: tell the people you love that you truly do love them. Don't go to bed angry with someone, don't slam the door of a car and never look back at your mom because you're mad at her, don't walk away from your best friend or boyfriend because you guys had a fight; because you never know what would happen to you or the person you're mad at. Settle the fights. Life is too short to hold grudges, have regrets, have fights and become angry with the people you love. Tell the people you love that you love them every chance you get.
And the 2nd: be extra careful on the road. I know I'm a teenager, but I can honestly say I don't speed. It's not cool at all, it's DANGEROUS! And wear your seat belt! All 3 of those women WERE wearing seat belts, but that's another think that I see on the road, not a lot of people wear their seat belts and I don't really comprehend that because that's a law. But anywho, wear that seat belt and please be safe on that road. Car wrecks are 100% preventable as long as everyone is safe and cautious on the road, so please be safe!

AMAZING weekend!

So, I just got back from Coastal Carolina and I must say, it's ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS over there! My mom, sister, brother-in-law, and I went to Broadway at the beach yesterday and had a blast. We got out of the car and the first thing I noticed was a Disney Store so I just HAD to go in there. We used to have a Disney Store in the Columbiana Mall, but they turned it into something else, and let's just say I was NOT a very happy little girl at the moment..lol, but I was so stoked. So we went in there just to look around and I was kind of bummed because they didn't have the "old" Disney things that they used to when I was little like Winnie the Pooh, Aladdin, Cinderella, Little Mermaid and all that jazz stuff. They had all the "new" Disney things like Tinkerbell and all of the nonsense...lol so we cheesed it out of there. But yeah we went into almost every little store they had and Jon Ryan about had a cow since he was the only guy ha! I got to feed a duck though. My mom, sister, and Jon Ryan kept on picking on me because I looked like a little kid chasing those ducks...haha, but they came to me. The duck I fed was so hungry apparently and spilled all of the food out of my hand. Who wouldn't have thought a duck would like FISH food. haha! Well anyway, we ate at the Hard Rock Cafe and it was so cool in there! It kind of reminded me of Apple Bees with all of the stuff on the walls. We just had a lot of fun there! Then we went back to my sister's dorm after so many hours of shopping and we watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 which was AMAZING to say the least!

Today we actually went to Myrtle Beach, and it was FREEZING, but so gorgeous! In my opionion, the beach is gorgeous no matter what the weather is like. It's just all the smells and this big surrounding of water that just overwhelms you! It had been raining the WHOLE time we were there, but we weren't going to let a ton of rain stop us from having fun. We walked on the beach for a total of 10 minutes, but I got some pretty cool looking shells so that's a plus =] But overall I had a blast and I want to go back when it gets a little warmer so we can actually walk on the beach for more than 10 minutes...haha!

God's Timing

Wow! That's all that can come out of my mouth at the moment. I went to church this morning, and I'm so relieved. After a year and a half of not going to church, it feels really good to go back. My best friend Brittany went with me, too and I'm so glad she came with me. She told me that she doesn't do very good with churches, but wanted to go with me to be with me. And what's so amazing about all of this is Brittany told me that she finally accepted God in her heart. Once she told me that, I just started crying. God did all of this for a reason. To save someone and to grow an even stronger relationship. And I think that's amazing. All of the activities and obstacles that have tried to get in my way this week, God pushed them all to the side. I find it amazing that Brittany and I didn't even plan for her to spend the night at my house last night. It was a last-minute thing. When I told her that I was going to go to church, she told me she'd just go home, but instead, she went with me and accepted God. It's just so overwhelming it's not even funny. And I thank God for that.

"The steps of the Godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."
Psalm 37:23-24

"I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry."
Psalm 40:1

"The LORD is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you….."
2 Chronicles 15:2

Not Turning Back

Well, this week has been a very interesting week, and when I say interesting, I mean not good at all. But it's getting a lot better. I'm just staying strong and putting everything in God's hand. Tomorrow, I'm actually going back to my church for the first time in a year and a half, so I'm a little nervous about that and I really don't know why. I haven't been there in a year and a half and I know once I step foot inside Pisgah, there will be stares and gasps...but I'm ready. I've been ready for a long time to go back to that church and this week is the week. God's pushing me towards it and a lot of things have been trying to get in my way this week, but God has somehow pushed those activities and other things aside, and I'm so glad He's doing that for me. I'm really excited though, maybe that's why I'm so nervous. I miss going to church. Even though I really feel like my relationship with God has grown since I stopped going to church, in my heart I know my relationship with God will grown even stronger.

I pray really really hard that I will lay everything in my heart on God. I pray that God will keep giving me strength throughout the week and weeks to come. I pray that He'll just be with me tomorrow at church and open my heart.

"The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=52165367

Just listen to this song and tell me if it doesn't motivate you or relate to you in some way because it sure does motivate me and relate to me. I don't really like Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, but some of her songs are just amazing! This song reminds me of when I'll be going off to college soon, and how even though I'll won't to quick and give up, I just have to keep climbing and staying strong through the goodbyes, the separtions, and just the whole college experience. The "climb" will make it all worth while in the end, and I think that's amazing!

Just wanted to share that with everyone! Hope everyone had an amazing Valentine's Day or S.A.D. day for you single, sad people...lol =]

Say Goodbye to the Presence of Homebody...ness

So, it's REALLY late (or should I say early because it's definitely morning right now...lol), but anyways. I'm JUST NOW noticing something or at least I think I am: I think that I have gotten over my homebody-ness just a little bit, and I noticed this just now by thinking back during the summer when I was at my stepmom's house with her and her family. I was with my stepmom for 8 days, and did NOT want to come home (and trust me this isn't normal for me because I am THE biggest homebody there is). Maybe that was because I hadn't seen her in such a long time, and I just felt comfortable. I just had a lot of me-time that I needed for a long time. I'm so busy and I tell myself, "Oh, I'll go take a walk around the pond," or "Oh, I'll go paint outside," but then I get distracted. My stepmom lives 2 hours away in West Union near Clemson, and being out of my comfort zone felt good. It felt like I could be a total different person, not in a way that changes who I truly am of course, but in a way that helps me become a better person. Do you ever feel like that? I've never moved in my life, but think about when you've moved whether it be from school to school, state to state, or even country to country. Do you ever tell yourself, "I can start fresh and become a different/better person."? No one knows you in this "new" place, so you feel like you can just start new. Now I didn't feel like that at my stepmom's house exactly because I was only there for 8 days, but when I think about leaving home to go off to college in the fall, I just think about how I can start fresh in this "new world", these new surroundings. I think about how many goals I can accomplish, and think about each step that God lets me take. I honestly believe that those 8 days I was away from home, helped me somehow by getting used to being in different surroundings. Now I know that once I go off to college in the fall, whether it be at Winthrop or somewhere else, I won't have too many people I know like I did at my stepmom's house (the only 2 people I knew at my stepmom's house was my stepmom and stepbrother....FYI: my dad and stepmom got a divorce when I was going into my freshman year of HS and she got remarried, but I still call her my stepmom and I still talk to her...but anyways). I know that being 2 hours away at college, will be TOTALLY different than being 2 hours away at my stepmom's house where I know someone and feel comfortable around...but when I think about it a little more, that separation between me and my mom and brother helped me a little to get used to what it'll be like in just a few months. I can honestly say I'm ready, scared, but ready. I know that I'll be okay though. God will be watching out for me every step of the way, and I know I can do it. Like Mrs. Moore tells me ALL of the time, "Can't never could."

Your life is a piece of clay, don't let anyone else mold it for you.

So, I've been sitting here just reading this Bible verse over and over again being mesmerized by it. And the Bible verse I will have to save until the end, but I just wanted to talk about it and share what it means to me. (Hopefully everyone has heard of this at some point):
Our relationship with God is like a potter making a clay jar. The first step a potter makes is preparing his/her clay. Then, the potter must wedge the clay which means to mix the clay by hand and form it into a ball smoothing away air bubbles. Then, the potter is ready to shape his/her clay jar. The potter always has an idea in mind on how this clay jar should look. Should it look tall, skinny, short, round, etc. The potter starts forming this clay jar and shaping it how he/she thinks it should look like, making sure it's perfect in every way. Then, the potter puts the clay jar in the kiln for about 3 days. The pottery is then glazed where the potter can add color to the clay jar. The potter then glaze-fires the clay jar for at least another 3 days, and then it turns into a gorgeous piece of art.
That's very similar how God shapes us into the people we are today. God is the potter and we are simply the clay. He sets out this big plan for each and every one of us even before we are conceived, just like the potter has an idea of what he/she wants their art work to come out as. God then forms us, making us all different. No one person is the same. He smoothes all of our problems away as we grow up and trust in Him just like potters do. If a potter didn't smooth out the air bubbles, the clay jar would shatter. God smoothes away our "air bubbles" (problems in our lives) so we don't just give up and "shatter". God shapes us to be the human beings He intended for us to be. Now I know no one knows HOW God exactly makes us or or how He knows which family to put us with because only God knows that...but think about it: just like the potter sets out at least 6 days to put his/her clay jar in the kiln and glaze it, don't you ever wonder how many days God sets out to plan us? To plan our WHOLE life even before we're CONCEIVED! Our life is exactly like a piece of clay. We must let GOD help us shape and form our lives and where we're heading, not other people.
So whenever you're making pottery or even if you see pottery somewhere, remember how God forms you into the person you are today "smoothing away" all of your "air bubbles" and "cracks". It is truly amazing if you think about it.

"Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." - Isaiah 64:8

Straying Back Home

I'm so tired that I can't even keep my eyes open at the moment, but I have a strong urge to just write. Isn't that weird? You're sooo tired, but still have the motivation to write? Well, anyways....I'm trying really hard to let God control things and I mean EVERYTHING. I want so badly to get out of here so I "can reflect on my life" as 2 of my "moms" say I need to do, and they're exactly right. It's not that I hate this place and I hate living here, no it's not that AT ALL. It's just that I'm ready to leave and not in a negative way, you know? I love this place. I've lived here my whole life, I plan on coming back and teaching here, and I plan to spend the rest of my life in Lexington. I just need some me-time I guess so I can just reflect on things that I've been through and things I'm going through. And I know that I need to put everything in God's hands and give Him 110%. I'm just learning right now. Learning how I'll be able to be 2 hours away from home. Learning how I can put my whole heart in God. Learning how to reflect on things instead of just pushing them away. Learning a lot of things. I will be completely honest, I don't go to church. I used to, but conflict happened and I know that's no excuse at all to not go to church. I used to go to Pisgah Lutheran Church, but I feel so unwanted there really and that hurts so bad because I've been going there since I was about 7 (became a member and baptized when I was 10). I'm just trying to learn where God wants me to go, not just a church, but in life as well. I want to find a church I can truly call home. I want so badly to go back to Pisgah, but I don't know anymore. It tears me apart that I don't go to church and that I don't go to youth and have fun like my friends do at their churches. I feel like there's a huge part of my relationship with God just floating in the wind waiting me to go outside and find it. My mother's saying is, "God can hear me just fine at my front porch," and I know God can because He can hear you everywhere. He's with you wherever you go and whenever you need Him. I just feel like going back to church or even doing some sort of church thing, will help me in my relationship with God. I go to FCA almost every Thursday morning at my school, and it helps me get through my day so much better, but I need more than just FCA. FCA is just on Thursday mornings, and I don't feel like that's enough.

I pray to God that He'll help me either go back to Pisgah with my head-high or help me find another church to call home to. I feel in my heart that God wants me to go back to Pisgah because that IS my home and has been for over 10 years. I pray that God will help me understand everything. I pray that He'll give me strength and courage through everything. I pray that I can give 110% to God and nothing less. I pray that God will just help me open the right doors no matter how many wrong doors I try to go through. And I pray that, once I do leave Lexington to go off to college, God will help me reflect on my life, keep me on my paths, and just stay by my side.

"...and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen." Matthew 28:20

...And just try,
Try as hard and mighty as you possibly can
Push every negative connotation out the window
...And just simply act.
- from my poem The Simply Just

Ecstatic: a feeling of great delight...because it's appropriate

So I'm sitting here researching stuff for my senior project, and I must say, I'm pretty darn ecstatic to do this project. Everyone's stressed out about it (and I won't say I'm not because trust me, I am), but I'm not going to let my stress get in the way of me doing well on this project. I'm really excited about the whole thing. It's all focused on what I want to do once I leave high school, and that makes me even more ecstatic. I hear a lot of people say how dumb and pointless this project is, but I really think that this project will help me become a better teacher with all of the research that is strung into it all. For my product, I'm actually making a lesson plan. Right now I'm looking up ways to make a lesson plan and I'm also looking at printable worksheets and things I can use to tie into my lesson plan. I feel like such a dork for being excited to do this project and for actually working on it a bit early...lol, but I really am excited. I think overall it'll be fun. I just pray to God that He helps me get through all of this without getting so stressed out about it all. I'm just going to try really hard to make this project the best it can be and to make it beneficial to me.

Throwing some Bible verses out there. These 2 are really sticking out to me in my situation:

Matthew 7:7
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Send Me On My Way

I'm learning a lot about myself in many ways lately, and God's name is written all of that. I love how He just shows me what I can do and who I can be with Him in my heart. And that's an amazing feeling that is just too undescribable. The song that is currently #1 on my playlist on here probably sums up what God's doing, and that's sending me on my way. I learn things on a daily basis rather it be school work or just hanging out with different people. I learn so much from my brother on a daily basis it's not even funny. I'm just so thankful for the things I learn rather they be good things, bad things, or simply things that help me be a better person. I just know that God is setting me on a path to help me learn more about myself and to learn other things as well. I just pray that God helps me learn more and keeps me strong. =]

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Psalm 3:5-6

Que Sera Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)

Looking back through high school, it feels so weird that I'm graduating this year. It feels like just yesterday I was a shy, little freshman walking into this big, huge high school. Everyone's right when they say when you're a freshman, you feel like it'll be forever and a day until you graduate...but in reality, it really isn't. It goes by so fast...right before your eyes.
Ever since 10th grade, I've known exactly what I want to do with my life. To be a high school math teacher. I'm crazy, but determined. I have no earthly idea why I want to become a teacher let alone a high school math teacher...but I feel like God is planting this into my head, and He won't let me run away from it. I could be anything I want, why a teacher? A lot of people look at me crazy when I tell them I want to go back to Lexington High School to teach. They always ask me, "why would you want to go back to this hell hole?" And I don't have a particular reason why. It's just something that God's pushing me towards and I CAN'T run away from it because I refuse to. God is setting me on this path for a reason, and I'm determined to figure out this reason.
I've been through a lot in my life, just like a lot of people have. I'm not the type of person to mope around about what I've been through. I talk about it to a select amount of people because I believe you should find at least a few people to relate to. Not saying to shout out your business to the whole world, but just to relate to someone so you don't live with a huge balloon inside of you waiting to burst at any minute. I've got 3 people outside of my family who I tell EVERYTHING to, and I trust those 3 people with my life....but one of them sticks out in particular. And her name is Mrs. Karen Ray (a.k.a. KRazy Rizzle Ray). I've known her since my freshman year of high school. She was my math teacher in 9th grade, and throughout the years, she has grown to be my best friend. I walked into my freshman year as this shy girl who didn't know who she was. I was scared, shy, and lost. I felt like no one could relate to me. I felt like this caterpillar trapped inside it's cocoon for eternity wanting to come out and show its true colors, but didn't know how. I had trust issues because when my daddy left, my trust left with him. Just out the door and lost in the wind, never coming back. I met Mrs. Ray and just thought she was an ordinary teacher. She wrote in my yearbook to come see her the following year and wrote Philippians 4:19: "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." She knew something was going on with me (and I knew she knew), but she wasn't going to be nosy and coax it out of me. But I wanted SO bad for SOMEONE to be nosy. Don't get me wrong, I have the best mother in the world and I can (and could back then) tell her anything and everything. But sometimes the only thing someone needs is for someone other than their family to understand them as well. And that's what Mrs. Ray did and still does to this day. I took what she wrote in my yearbook to heart and visited her that next semester. I would only pop in and tell her hi, but I soon began to stay in her room after school for 5 minutes, and then 30 minutes, and then an hour, and so on. And as I look back on it now, I would NEVER have guessed I could trust or become best friends with a teacher. Mrs. Ray has taught me SO much throughout high school! She has been there for me with open arms and a hug-in store through everything. I wouldn't be the same person today without her. And as my high school years are coming to a close, I don't know how I'll EVER say goodbye to her. I was a "caterpillar" when I walked into her class, and throughout the years, she has helped me turn into a "butterfly". I was lost, confused, hurt, scared, and just felt like giving up on every opportunity that was thrown at me. And she came along and helped me break out of that shell and into the young lady I've become. And I know she'll help me spread my wings and fly once the day comes that I really do have to say goodbye to her at the end of this school year.
I'm TERRFIED to leave high school, I won't lie at all. But I know with the help of God, I can do this. So many doors are going to open up for me and I can't be scared to walk through those doors. Mrs. Ray has helped me become the person I am, and she has taught me so many things that will carry me throughout the rest of my life. I have to do this and I will. I thank God everyday for the doors He has opened for me. I thank Him for the people He has brought in and out of my life especially Mrs. Ray because those people have shaped who I am today and the people who are helping me spread my wings and fly. I know that God has made me such a stronger person and will keep doing so as long as I don't give up on myself. I thank God that I DO have a past even though it wasn't the best and it wasn't the one I had planned, but I know that God did it for a reason. I know that God does everything for a reason, not to punish anyone, but to just make us stronger people inside AND out. One of the many things that Mrs. Ray has taught me that I know will carry me through life is this: not to dwell on the past, but instead; forgive it, let it change me in a positive way, and to just simply let it all go. And that's exactly what I've learned to do, and will keep on learning for the rest of my life.
I don't know what the future holds for me. Only God does, and I'm going to trust in Him to keep me on this path that He's shaping for me. I know there are going to be bumps, holes, and hills in my path, but I'll get through them with the help of God. And I'll be praying that I DO get through them and that I won't stray too far off of my path.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me then you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD,"and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

New Year's Resolutions anyone?

So, I know it's a little late for this, but I believe New Year's Revelations or any goals/dreams are never too late to accomplish. So I'm attempting to write out AND accomplish these things either this year or before I die. So, here I go: =]

- Pray more.
- Read the Bible more.
- Spend more time with Dakota. Even though him and I are inseparable, I want to do more fun things with him while I can.
- Read more.
- Live in a bookstore for a day. Well not LIVE in one per se, but spend a day in one and buy as many books as I can and actually READ all of them.
- Listen to different kinds of music; music that I've never heard of before.
- Paint a really pretty, artsy, professional looking painting.
- Write more poetry; it makes me feel better about any day I am having whether it be good or bad.
- Talk to family/friends that I haven't been talking to or have lost touch with and talk to them on a regular basis.
- Bungee jump, sky dive, get on an airplane, do outrageous things; I've always wanted to do all of that; I'm a risk-taker ;D
- Go to Carowinds and get on the Vortex. I always chicken out on that one, but either this summer or a weekend I'm not doing anything while at Winthrop, I'm totally going to get my girls and GET ON that roller coaster whether someone has to drag me on it or not.
- Not to be afraid to show my true self. I've worked on that a lot through high school with a lot of help from a very important lady, and I have reached a point where I'm not afraid to do things I used to anymore, but I feel like I could be better at it.
- Trust the people I'm REALLY close with more. I have some trust issues when it comes to certain things and I believe it all started when my dad left. I have broken down that wall, but it's still standing up to my knees, and I'm ready to break down the wall completely this year.
- Take more photographs. My camera goes EVERYWHERE with me, but I want to take outrageous looking pictures.
- Have a paint fight.
- Have a water balloon fight.
- Come up with a nickname for Miss Katie K.
- Earn enough money and buy a professional camera
- Have a place I can paint. Like a room or something that I can call my own. Maybe when I move out and get my own house.
- Own 50+ necklaces/beads
- Hold a snake. I really don't like snakes, but I want to actually hold one.
- Follow my heart first, then my head.
- Change someone's life.
- Buy one of those professional looking cameras.