MAJOR VENTING

My sister's wedding is over...lol! It was really nice though and everyone had a good time. I got a little upset though when my sister's and grandpa's first dance came along. It just upsets me that my dad couldn't of made the initiative the have a relationship with my sister. My sister gave up on him along time ago, probably the minute he left when I was 10 and she was 12. I've always had a stronger relationship with my daddy above any of my siblings. I guess because my brother was only a year old when my dad left, so he never got a chance to even know our dad. And my sister was so close to my mom. I remember when me and my sister were little, her, my dad, and I would have movie nights, tickle-times, clean-up weekends, and sleepovers where we'd sleep backwards and sideways on the bed. I miss my dad, but I know that everything won't ever be the same. My dad was not always a nice person to be around and we all hated that, so in a way, it was better for him gone.
What really made me upset was that Thursday, my dad had called while me, my sister, and our cousin Stephanie while were out for Amber's bachelorette party and I didn't realize it until we got back at the house at 9:30. Then we went out again and didn't get home until close to 1 in the morning. He had left me a message and I couldn't get anything out of his message except for "the wedding," so I ASSUMED that he had a question about Amber's wedding. So I called him back at 1 in morning because I knew he'd be up and I asked him if he was still going to the wedding. Well, he jumped down my throat because "he didn't know when the wedding was." He cussed me, my sister, and my mom out because he wouldn't be walking her down the isle and instead our grandfather was, and the whole time I was thinking, "if he didn't know WHEN the wedding was, how in the world did he think he could walk her down the isle?" I did NOT like the attitude my dad had and he had no right to do that to us. I don't know. I'm just sick of getting hurt by him all the time, and I'm really contemplating whether or not to just give up on him at this point. I've tried and tried to help him become "a better father" for Dakota's sake at least because me and Amber know what my dad is like and Dakota doesn't. Dakota was only a year old when my dad left so he had no clue what was going on. He still doesn't fully understand why his daddy doesn't live with him let alone spend anytime with him. Dakota asks me constantly if his daddy loves him and I tell him that he does very much, but then Dakota tells me that if his daddy did love him then he would come see him. What do say to a 9 year old who has constantly asked that since he was 5 years old? It's very hard not to let things like that worry you and I try everyday to just let things go and not worry about them, but sometimes it's not that easy. Thanks to my dad, me and my sister both had to grow up faster than we were supposed to, we had to put up with so many things, we had to balance school and a year old little boy all at the same time, and keep my mother's head on straight. My mother is the STRONGEST person I know. She kept so many things together after my dad left. I knew it was hard for her, but she did what she needed to do for her kids, and I thank God that she was able to do that. With everything my daddy did and said, I have forgiven him because I believe that holding grudges is pointless and it drives a person crazy for the rest of their life because they constantly worry about it all. Just like Mrs. Ray tells me all of the time, "You will never be able to FORGET the things you've been through, but you have to FORGIVE it all; don't dwell on the past, it's what made you the strong person you are today."