Straying Back Home

I'm so tired that I can't even keep my eyes open at the moment, but I have a strong urge to just write. Isn't that weird? You're sooo tired, but still have the motivation to write? Well, anyways....I'm trying really hard to let God control things and I mean EVERYTHING. I want so badly to get out of here so I "can reflect on my life" as 2 of my "moms" say I need to do, and they're exactly right. It's not that I hate this place and I hate living here, no it's not that AT ALL. It's just that I'm ready to leave and not in a negative way, you know? I love this place. I've lived here my whole life, I plan on coming back and teaching here, and I plan to spend the rest of my life in Lexington. I just need some me-time I guess so I can just reflect on things that I've been through and things I'm going through. And I know that I need to put everything in God's hands and give Him 110%. I'm just learning right now. Learning how I'll be able to be 2 hours away from home. Learning how I can put my whole heart in God. Learning how to reflect on things instead of just pushing them away. Learning a lot of things. I will be completely honest, I don't go to church. I used to, but conflict happened and I know that's no excuse at all to not go to church. I used to go to Pisgah Lutheran Church, but I feel so unwanted there really and that hurts so bad because I've been going there since I was about 7 (became a member and baptized when I was 10). I'm just trying to learn where God wants me to go, not just a church, but in life as well. I want to find a church I can truly call home. I want so badly to go back to Pisgah, but I don't know anymore. It tears me apart that I don't go to church and that I don't go to youth and have fun like my friends do at their churches. I feel like there's a huge part of my relationship with God just floating in the wind waiting me to go outside and find it. My mother's saying is, "God can hear me just fine at my front porch," and I know God can because He can hear you everywhere. He's with you wherever you go and whenever you need Him. I just feel like going back to church or even doing some sort of church thing, will help me in my relationship with God. I go to FCA almost every Thursday morning at my school, and it helps me get through my day so much better, but I need more than just FCA. FCA is just on Thursday mornings, and I don't feel like that's enough.

I pray to God that He'll help me either go back to Pisgah with my head-high or help me find another church to call home to. I feel in my heart that God wants me to go back to Pisgah because that IS my home and has been for over 10 years. I pray that God will help me understand everything. I pray that He'll give me strength and courage through everything. I pray that I can give 110% to God and nothing less. I pray that God will just help me open the right doors no matter how many wrong doors I try to go through. And I pray that, once I do leave Lexington to go off to college, God will help me reflect on my life, keep me on my paths, and just stay by my side.

"...and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen." Matthew 28:20

...And just try,
Try as hard and mighty as you possibly can
Push every negative connotation out the window
...And just simply act.
- from my poem The Simply Just