Confused and tired

I'm getting so frustrated, it's not even funny. I can't remember most conversations that I've had 5 minutes ago. I went to church this morning and I couldn't tell you half the things Pastor Dan was saying, and trust me, I listen during church. I can't remember who I tell things to. KRay has to explain to me how to grade her papers, which isn't me at all. I went the wrong way to go to my grandparents' house (well it awasn't the wrong way, but it wasn't the normal way I go...I went the way we used to). I forget which pictures I've saved and which ones I haven't. I forget where I place things, which I know a lot of people do, but I mean, COME ON really? I'M JUST NOT MYSELF! Some of my friends keep telling me that I'm acting different, not in a bad way or anything, but in a way that's not me. My grandma keeps on telling me it's my sinuses, but I don't think so because that's never happened before. I pass out Tuesday night and don't remember the last 2 hours. Something's wrong and I want to know what. This isn't me at all. Everyone kept on telling me on Wednesday that it'll all get better in a day or two and that I'd start remembering things, but it's almost been a week now and I can't be patient any longer. I want to remember now. I just pray that God will help me and just keep me strong. I pray that I'll start remembering things and just become myself again. I just pray really hard.

myself I am no longer

I don't feel like myself at all. I don't laugh the same, I don't write or text the same, I don't talk the same, I don't do anything the same. I feel like a stranger. Maybe it's just because everything is changing and I don't adjust well with changes, but every since Tuesday night, I'm not myself and everyone's noticing it. KRay's been having to explain how to grade her papers and stuff at least twice to me and that's not me. I always understand what she's telling me right off the bat. Maybe it's just because my head isn't functioning at all. I don't feel like going anywhere but home and school which I know I'm the biggest home body there is, but it's not like me to NOT do anything with my friends and stuff. I don't know. Maybe I just need to sleep more or just make myself go outside. I went to my pond last night and was out there for like 30 minutes and out of no where I just wanted to go home and that's not me at all. I practially live out there. I love going outside and going to our ponds and just sitting out there, but I haven't been wanting to do that lately and I don't like that at all. What's funny is that I love cleaning my room (don't ask me why...I get it from my dad I guess), but I don't even feel like doing that! And another thing: I have to finish my graduation party invitations and usually I'm all like, "OH MY GOODNESS LET'S DO IT!" But I don't want to right now. Maybe I'm just too tired and drained to do anything. I don't know. I just pray that I get better and I pray that I'll just be myself again. I don't know....

Off On An Adventure

I’m sitting here at my uncle’s pond and it is SO peaceful out here (except for the occasional pine straws that keep falling on my head…lol). Dakota said he heard big foot in the “forest” that’s back here yesterday, so I better WATCH OUT he says! HAHA! He cracks me up! But anyway…yesterday was my official LAST day of high school as a student, and it feels so weird to say that let alone it actually happening. Today I helped KRay grade boo-coos of papers. What’s funny is that I’m not allowed on campus during school hours, and this morning I tried to come through the office because KRay had given me a pass, but one of the administrators told me I couldn’t do that, so what does Kray do? She sneaks me in…bahaha I love her! So I’m going to be sneaking in her room to help her everyday next week which will be fun because I’ll be spending more time with her before I have to actually leave and not be able to see her regularly. It feels so weird saying that. I have no idea what I’m going to do without her or Mrs. Moore next year (let alone what KRay will do without me next year). It definitely won’t EVER be the same, but they have reassured me that I’ll be just fine and that they’re only a phone call away. I just can’t believe these four years have gone by SO fast. I remember being a little, shy freshman walking into KRay’s room without a care in the world and look at me now? She has definitely helped me become the young woman I am today and without her, I have no clue where I’d be at. Same goes to Mrs. Moore. These women are truly amazing and I know that I will NEVER EVER forget them. Four more years and I’ll be a teacher. Why does life have to go by so fast? Lol. Well, I’m pretty sure I hear big foot coming out of the “deep, dark forest” so I’m off to do something…ANYTHING! =]

Memory Loss Much?

Wow what a week! I had to go to the emergency room Tuesday night/Wednesday morning because they think I had a seizure. I don’t remember hardly anything and it’s driving me BONKERS! I remember my chorus concert and almost passing out afterwards because I hadn’t eaten since I was at school for 4 hours and never went home, but I don’t remember my friend Katie giving me my graduation bracelet while we were handing out programs for the concert which is weird because while she gave me it we were talking about this particular guy who we saw SMOKING coming up the stairs for the concert (not mentioning any names…bahaha). So idk…I remember talking to my mom, Brittany, Dillon, Tobi, Ariel, and Ariel’s mom about going to the bonfire that night, but I don’t remember going to the bonfire when we all did except for Ariel. I remember that me and Tobi were supposed to pick up Ariel, but supposively her and I got into an arguments because it was 9:47 and me and Tobi were still not on our way to pick Ariel up and Ariel had to be home by 10:30 so it was no use in her going. I don’t remember having that conversation. I remember going to Tobi’s house, my house to change, McDonalds, the gas station, waving at one of my friends at Coldstone, and Foodlion to talk Adam and Collin into going to the bonfire, but I don’t remember getting in Tobi’s truck after that. I don’t remember ever going to the bonfire, talking to my mom at the bonfire, being mad at Brittany, seeing Brittany at the bonfire, or anything. My memory has come back a little bit, but not a whole lot. I remember throwing my McDonalds cup into the fire just because my mom asked me what I did with it. Tobi said something about horses and I knew that Katie (the bonfire was help at her house) had horses because she told me that back in 9th grade. I slowly remembered one horse out of the like 10 she had. It was the white one named Chloe. I kept on looking at my hands while I was in the hospital because my left one was dirty and my right was not. That’s when I remembered me touching the white horse and apparently I touched all of the horses, but don’t remember any of them but the white one. Brittany told me that the white horse was my favorite so that’s probably why I remember her. And then Wednesday night Brittany and I were flipping through my yearbook and I immediately stopped and pointed at this girl and Brittany asked me why I remember her because she was at the bonfire, but I don’t remember WHY I remember her. Brittany told me because that girl was dancing crazy the whole night. I don’t remember me, Tobi, Brittany, Adam, and Collin going to Collin’s dad’s house. That’s where I had my seizure. I don’t even remember Brittany ever being with me. I knew she was going to go to the bonfire because she told me that after my concert, but I don’t remember seeing her. When I remember me throwing my cup in the bonfire, the white horse, and that girl, it’s so weird. It’s like a bright, white background and just a fire and just me and the horse and just the girl. No trees that were supposively behind the bonfire, no stable where the horses were supposively at, and no other people around that girl or motion of what the girl was doing. It’s so weird! I’m so confused and I wished so badly that I could remember stuff, and hopefully I will. I get so lost during the day. I forget conversations I have with people, I forget what I’m doing half the time, and I just forget the littlest things. Like yesterday and again today, KRay was explaining to me what to grade on each of the papers she gave me and how to grade them, and she had to explain it to me at least twice. Haha I don’t feel as stupid because she forgets things to on account of she had surgery and was put on this medicine where she loses her short term memory. I don’t know, I just wish I could just wake up and remember everything! That senior bonfire was supposed to be special because it was just all of us seniors coming together to have fun and throw all of our school stuff away because we’re finally done, but yet, I don’t remember any of it and it makes me so mad. I lost like 2 hours of information and I get so frustrated when people come up to me and ask me things about the bonfire. I just sit there looking confused and scared and pretty much just stupid. So I just nod and laugh and act like I know what the heck they’re talking about when I don’t! I get so frustrated and scared where I’m on the verge of tears because I don’t remember things. It is scary and I just pray that I’ll remember.

MAJOR VENTING

My sister's wedding is over...lol! It was really nice though and everyone had a good time. I got a little upset though when my sister's and grandpa's first dance came along. It just upsets me that my dad couldn't of made the initiative the have a relationship with my sister. My sister gave up on him along time ago, probably the minute he left when I was 10 and she was 12. I've always had a stronger relationship with my daddy above any of my siblings. I guess because my brother was only a year old when my dad left, so he never got a chance to even know our dad. And my sister was so close to my mom. I remember when me and my sister were little, her, my dad, and I would have movie nights, tickle-times, clean-up weekends, and sleepovers where we'd sleep backwards and sideways on the bed. I miss my dad, but I know that everything won't ever be the same. My dad was not always a nice person to be around and we all hated that, so in a way, it was better for him gone.
What really made me upset was that Thursday, my dad had called while me, my sister, and our cousin Stephanie while were out for Amber's bachelorette party and I didn't realize it until we got back at the house at 9:30. Then we went out again and didn't get home until close to 1 in the morning. He had left me a message and I couldn't get anything out of his message except for "the wedding," so I ASSUMED that he had a question about Amber's wedding. So I called him back at 1 in morning because I knew he'd be up and I asked him if he was still going to the wedding. Well, he jumped down my throat because "he didn't know when the wedding was." He cussed me, my sister, and my mom out because he wouldn't be walking her down the isle and instead our grandfather was, and the whole time I was thinking, "if he didn't know WHEN the wedding was, how in the world did he think he could walk her down the isle?" I did NOT like the attitude my dad had and he had no right to do that to us. I don't know. I'm just sick of getting hurt by him all the time, and I'm really contemplating whether or not to just give up on him at this point. I've tried and tried to help him become "a better father" for Dakota's sake at least because me and Amber know what my dad is like and Dakota doesn't. Dakota was only a year old when my dad left so he had no clue what was going on. He still doesn't fully understand why his daddy doesn't live with him let alone spend anytime with him. Dakota asks me constantly if his daddy loves him and I tell him that he does very much, but then Dakota tells me that if his daddy did love him then he would come see him. What do say to a 9 year old who has constantly asked that since he was 5 years old? It's very hard not to let things like that worry you and I try everyday to just let things go and not worry about them, but sometimes it's not that easy. Thanks to my dad, me and my sister both had to grow up faster than we were supposed to, we had to put up with so many things, we had to balance school and a year old little boy all at the same time, and keep my mother's head on straight. My mother is the STRONGEST person I know. She kept so many things together after my dad left. I knew it was hard for her, but she did what she needed to do for her kids, and I thank God that she was able to do that. With everything my daddy did and said, I have forgiven him because I believe that holding grudges is pointless and it drives a person crazy for the rest of their life because they constantly worry about it all. Just like Mrs. Ray tells me all of the time, "You will never be able to FORGET the things you've been through, but you have to FORGIVE it all; don't dwell on the past, it's what made you the strong person you are today."

Yet Another

Yet another restless night. I've come to conclusion that it is stress. I'm so tired and drained, but my mind won't let me sleep making me stay up. I've got so many things going on it's not even funny, and it's little things too. I guess it's just my way of getting organized. I've made lists and lists of what I need to get done, but everytime I scratch one thing out that's completed, four more are added. I know once my sister's wedding and my graduation are over I'll finally be able to relax. I don't know. I really need to TRY and get some sleep. So hatching Mariah has left the building.

SandWHICH Which to Choose: Middle Child Syndrome

Wow this is my 3rd one in one day. I'm on a role.
So I can't sleep for some odd reason if that's not obvious. I haven't been able to do that a lot lately. The last month actually. I guess it's just stress, which I must say most of that is gone, so kuddos for that. I just have a lot on my mind...TOO MUCH on my mind actually. My graduation, my sister's wedding, going to college, all that jazz. I'm ready to leave, but I'm not ready to leave the people I love behind. It's like I'm stuck in the middle (like always). It's not easy being the middle child I suppose. I'm the middle child, I always get stuck in the middle of conversations and it doesn't matter who it's with. I'm always stuck "in between", I can never make up my mind on things. Like in Mrs. Moore's class: she'll give us a topic to write on sometimes and we have to choose sides and I'm the WORST at that because I can never go on ONE side. Just about everything i can never make up my mind. Get this flavor soda or get this one, this color or that, do this or do that, wear this or wear that, carry this or carry that...EVERYWHERE I go it's this or that and 9 out of 10 times, I choose both. It's a gift, what can I say? lol. Sometimes I wish I could make up my mind on most things, but I guess that's just who God made me: The Middle Child: Destined to Stay in the Middle Wherever She Goes. What a label. 12:08 in the morning. What to talk about? THIS or THAT...lol.
My sister's wedding is this coming Friday, and no offense, but I can't wait until it's over. It's been very stressful for all of us especially my mom. My mom's making/has made most of my sister's stuff: her bouquet, mine and our cousin Stephanie's bridesmaids candle/glass thing we're carrying, flower arrangements, you name it, my mom's made it except the dress, the cake, and the food. Ordered all of that, but yeah. My mom's superwoman and my sister? BRIDES-ZILLA! RAAAAWWWRRR watch out! lol. You think I'm joking, but I'm far from joking. I just can't wait until this is all over and done with so I can focus all of my time on my graduation which will be VERY hectic. The price you pay to have a HUMONGO family from all 4 sides may I add. My grandma is 1 out of 8 I believe and my grandfather is 1 out of 9 I believe. So yeah, tons of family, and I love every minute of it!
But yeah, I may go to bed now? I don't know. It's the last full week for seniors and I believe we get our yearbooks either tomorrow or sometime this week. But I really don't care about getting sleep. School is almost over and I could care less if I get a "good nights sleep" anymore...lol. But I'm going to "try" and go to sleep (wink wink) lol so goodnight world. May everyone have a blessed week! =]

Goodbyes Don't Last Forever

Someone once told me that whatever I do, wherever I go, and whatever I do in my life, they'll always be there for me and that God will always be there for me.

I have only a week and a half of high school left, and I have no idea how I'm going to face the "real-world" when I leave. I'm lucky to have 2 very important women at Lexington High School and those 2 women would have to be Mrs. Karen Ray and Mrs. Beth Moore. They have helped me so much throughout high school. I've known Mrs. Ray since 9th grade and Mrs. Moore since 11th grade and they've both taught me so many things that I know will carry me throughout the rest of my life. Looking back through high school, I have grown up a lot. I have learned so many things about myself these last 4 years and I have coped with a lot of things along the way. I have become a TRUE Christian who has given her heart to God in everything she does, and I have no idea where my life would be or who I would be for that matter without God in my life. He has set me on a path that I'm determined to succeed on and determined to follow. God has surrounded with the BEST family and friends a girl could ever ask for, and I have gotten closer to so many people. Life has been up and down like a mad roller coaster, but God has gotten me through it all. I know that I will be just fine. I know and I believe that I'm ready to face this new and challenging chapter in my life called college. I know and believe that God will continue to strengthen me, give me courage, and help me become a better person through Him. I trust God will get me through everything I stress and worry about. I trust God when He puts me on 2 totally separate paths even if I don't really like one or both of them. I'm ready to face everything that's ahead of me. I'm ready to give my all to God, and I'm ready to fly above and go on my own path. I'm ready.

I just want to thank all of my family and all of my friends for being there for me through everything. I thank my mom, my grandma, my sister, and my Aunt Lisa for being there for me, putting up with me, getting me through everything, and never once giving up on me. Yall know exactly what to do to make me feel better and I don't know where I'd be without you women. I thank Mrs. Ray and Mrs. Moore for being there for me, giving me the strength and courage I need to push through everything, listening to me, giving me advice, teaching me so many things in life, and being 2 of my best friends. I have no idea how I'm going to say goodbye to you 2 women. You 2 have taken me so far in life with just the short time that I've known yall. It's going to be so different next year. It'll never be the same, but I know I have enough courage and strength to get through this...because of yall. I love yall so much and I thank yall so much for everything yall have done to help me cope with so many things. Yall always tell me to go and that I'm ready to "hatch" and spread my wings and fly. "Leaving the nest," yall say. It's going to hurt so bad leaving yall and saying goodbye, but I know this isn't goodbye forever. I know I'll stay in touch with you guys. "When you leave and go off on your separate path, just know that the love will never ever fade away not will it ever break; but instead it will grow and expand. No matter where you go or how many miles are between us, always know that I love you. You always know where to find me, I'm always a phone call away, and I will ALWAYS love you."

Experienced Lessons

There's only 8 more school days left of school for seniors, and I'm so anxious to get out of here. I didn't make it into Winthrop for the fall, but I'll be transferring in the Spring. I know God has a plan for me even if I don't like that plan at the moment, but I do know that things will fall into place and that God does things for a reason. So, I'm deciding to just put a smile on my face and follow His plan that He's still putting me on.
I was at church this morning and it was a very different worship then it usually is. Usually we sit in the sanctuary waiting for everyone to come in, listen to announcements that Pastor Dan and other people have, greet one another, sing, watch the woman in the choir fall asleep during the sermon, do the offering and the communion, sing some more, and all that jazz. But today was slightly different. 2 peoplpe joined the churched as members and 1 got baptized. And usually at the offering, there's special music that the choir sings, but instead of the whole choir singing, a woman just sang. Her name is Susan and she is blind and truly has a gift when it comes to singing. (changing subjects, but pertaining to the same topic): I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition last night and that episode was about a young man in college who is blind and is confined to a wheelchair because of other disabilites. They remodeled his family's home because it just wasn't safe for this young man. He moto for life is, "I'm not disabled, I'm abled." Isn't that amazing? He, too has an amazing talent. And that is to sing, play piano, and the trumpet, and I believe other instruments as well. Susan is the same way. She is the sweetest woman I know at my church and she truly has a gift, and I'm glad I got to hear her sing this morning because her voice is gorgeous!
I think it's amazing that people who are disabled have such a positive attitude about life. 9 out of 10 times you never hear them complain about not being able to do certain things. My little brother, Dakota, is disabled, but you wouldn't think he was if you looked at him. He has a learning diablility and a speech problem, but he never lets that stop him day-to-day. He's the happiest child I have EVER met and I just love his attitude on life. He looks at things and wonders about things that NO ONE else would ever think and look at. He doesn't see himself as "disabled" because he knows he's ABLE to do anything he sets his mind too. "I'm not disabled, I am abled because I don't give up on myself or my dreams. Instead, I shoot for the stars and aim for my goals." That's what the young man on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition said last night, and that right there is just amazing.
My challenge is this: anyone and everyone who is reading this, have a positive attiude about life no matter what's going on and no matter how bad you think things are. Trust in God and He'll be there for you. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Philippans 4:13. I hope everyone has a great rest of the Sunday and has a fabulous week this week. God bless everyone! =]

Climbing the Mountain

I haven't had the best of weeks in awhile now. Everything is just so hectic and I'm not liking it too much. I got some bad news today. I didn't get accepted to Winthrop, but will be able to go in the Spring. So, I'm going to go to Midlands Tech and boose my GPA. I'm planning on getting apartment over there. I'm just very confused and stressed out lately though. I have 13 school days left, and it's very stressful at the end with Senior Project, tests, and other projects winding down my senior year. I'm ready to leave though. I'm ready to be on my own and I deserve that even though I'm hurting some people for wanting to leave. My mom's having a very hard time understanding why I won't to leave. It has nothing to do with her or the way I live, it's just all me. I need to reflect on my life and do things for ME and put myself first. I've been putting others first since my dad left, and I think it's finally time for me to put myself first even though I don't know to quite do that, but I know I'm ready to face everything. I may be scared, but I'm ready. Cutting this short. I hope everyone has a great night and a very good day tomorrow. =]

"Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand and what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hands."

Letting Go and Letting God

My theme lately is, "let go and let God". I haven't been on here in awhile. I've just been so busy and haven't had a computer for awhile either. I've been so confused and stressed out lately, and I feel like just running and never stopping. I'm tired of getting hurt by so many people. I've been putting up with it and getting through it since I was 10 years old, and this is final straw. I know that everyone gets hurts; there's no stopping it. You just have to deal with it, let it go, move on, and learn from it, and that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do. I'm letting go and letting God handle everything. I feel selfish and just plain out awful for saying this, but I'm so ready to leave Lexington behind me and move to Rock Hill where I'll be going to Winthrop University so I can just reflect on my life and be away. I need to do this for me and no one else. I need to put EVERYTHING in God's hands and trust Him more. I'm ready to spread my wings and push everything behind me. I know I won't ever forget everything I've been through, but I know I can keep on forgiving it and learn from it. I can't wait for the day I go to Winthrop or whichever college I choose to go to in the fall. I have about 3 months in counting now. I love Lexington, don't get me wrong. I just need to get away for awhile, get a new and fresh start, and just reflect on everything I've been going through and everything I'm currently going through. I'll come back to Lexington. I just need time to my self for awhile. I just pray that God keeps setting me on the right path. I pray that He'll help me get through everything with a positive attitude and a positive mind-set on it all. I pray that I will stay strong and never give up on myself. Even though I feel myself slipping, I pray that God will keep pushing me back up. I know I can do this.