Relieved

I can feel God on my heart everyday, but this week, I have felt Him so much more. I spent the week with my stepmom, Tammy, and her family this week just to get away from things and it totally helped me. Though I wasn't ready to come home and saying goodbye to her hurt, I'm glad to be home and be surrounded by the people at home as well. While I was with Tammy, her and I talked so much and it felt so good to talk to her face-to-face again. She was the person who helped me so much back when my parents were getting divorced and even though she was just my stepmom, she was one of my best friends. While I was at her house, we talked about my dad (they're divorced actually and have been for like 5 years) and the things he put me through when I was little and still today. She told me that I live in the past still and I need to just move on from it. And even though I have moved on from my past since 9th grade when I met KRay, I still hold on to the past to this day just a little bit because it's hard to push past all pf the bad things I have been through in my life. But Tammy is 100% right. I DO need to just move on, and she told me once I get out on my own, it'll all get better gradually because I won't constantly have someone to remind me of my past. I love Tammy so much and it's so hard to say goodbye to her whenever I see her. Last summer was the first time I spent a week with her at her house

"It's your time to shine, so go get em'!"

My whole life I've been insecure about being myself, and I must say after I met two very important ladies that are in my life right now, that wall broke down almost completely. Back then, I was afraid to speak in front of people, I was very quiet and spoke softly (not with a big stick as Teddy Roosevelt says...lol sorry I had to), I was just very insecure about everything. And sometimes even now, I get insecure about things, but I've learned to just push past all of that and not to let what people think get to me. I've recently been going to a family friends' church/youth gathering. It's called Chrysalis Ministries and I must say, it is WONDERFUL! They're isn't many people there, but it's still amazing. I'm part of the drama team there, where we do dances to Christian songs and they're so much fun (thanks to Jordan...she rocks!) But anyway, to my point of this blog. Last Tuesday (the 16th) was the first day I went to Chrysalis and right away I jumped up and danced even though I didn't know the moves or anything. I didn't hesistate once. I just got up there and did it without even thinking. Now if you would have asked me to do that 4 years ago, I would have said, "NO WAY!" Now I knew everyone there but 2 people, but I'm not usually the type of person to just jump up and dance, but lately I have been. I see myself just jumping up and doing anything. Whether it be singing in front of people, dancing in front of people, or speaking my opinion in front of people. I'm not scared to do anything, and that all changed after I met and became closer to Mrs. Ray and Mrs. Moore. It's amazing how 2 people can change your WHOLE life, your WHOLE outlook on EVERYTHING! And I thank God everyday that He helped me and let these 2 women become very big influences in my life. Back when I just felt like giving up and that everything wasn't even worth it, I was scared, confused, hurt, and so insecure, and sometimes I feel myself going back to that, but then I remember everything that I've been taught by the people around me and I remember how hard it was to push myself out of my comfort zone and I stop myself from feeling that way and think to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to and no ONE person will bring me down no matter how much it's tempted. I thank God that I've been through the things I've been through (good AND bad) because it HAS made me a stronger person, and I've recently realized that, despite all of the people that have told me that I am a strong person. I thank God that he brought the people that I do have in my life right now in my life because without them, I'd be so lost and without God I'd be nothing. I'm so glad that I can just jump up and do anything without even thinking about it for a second. Yes, I will admit that when I do jump up and do things I ask myself, "what in the world am I getting myself into," but once I'm up in front of people, I just think of the things I have learned from so many people, and say to myself, "you know what? Who cares if I make a mistake or slip up because at the end of the day, nothing will matter except for the feeling that I had doing it and how it made me smile. Nobody matters except God, and I shouldn't try to hide myself because if I hide myself from others, I might as well hide myself from God because He can see everything." So, right now, right this minute, I'm breaking out of my shell COMPLETELY and not once will I stop myself from doing what it is I want to do. I refuse to hold myself back anymore no matter how big or how small the task is. "It's your time to shine, so go get em'!" - Mrs. Moore

????

I've been...I don't even know anymore. I feel so hurt and I wish I didn't feel that way. Today I went to church and Pastor Dan talked about how we need to go to God and put everything in us on him when we're in a "personal storm," and that's so true and I wish I could do that ALL of the time instead of just SOME of the time. After church today, I met up with my stepmom (who's been divorced to my dad for like 5 years now, but I still consider her my stepmom) and she's been having some trouble with her husband and stuff. Well she told me that she had told her husband that she had a step-daughter who lives in Lexington who never asked her to do ANYTHING for her, but to love her. And that this step-daughter loves her for HER and not for the things she does for her. And that step-daughter would be me. It hurts so bad that I don't get to see my stepmom but like once a year if that. And it hurts that I have been through so much in my life, but I still stay strong and push it all passed me. But sometimes, it's very hard and I just want to cry. I hate that my dad made mistakes in his life. Sometimes, I wish that when my dad left that he would have just never talked to me again because I think I'd be better off right now. I know that's ugly and I know that God does things for a reason and that he puts obstacles in your way to see how much you can handle and the more obstacles a person faces, the stronger that person is, but I get so frustrated and so hurt so many times that I just wish it would all go away. I know that I should never wish something away because God does EVERYTHING for a reason. I've had to go through my mom's and dad's divorce and then my dad's and Tammy's and that hurt more than anything. I just want to scream and cry until I can't anymore. I just feel like driving until I run out of gas and just see where God leads me next. I feel like God is leading me somewhere, but I can't figure it out and He won't tell me BECAUSE He wants me to figure out on my own, but with His help as well. I'm just confused and I want to move on with my life and the things I have been through.

Done and Never Going Back/Stepmom's House EEEKKK!

I'm really sick of getting hurt so many times in my life by so many people. And most of it's my fault because I keep on going to the same person over and over again thinking they will change and feeling like there is one ounce of good in them. I hate thinking the worst in people because that's just not me. I always try to find good in every person I come in contact with. I don't just give second chances, I give third, fourth, fifth, TWENTIETH! And I need to stop doing that because it only results in me getting hurt over and over again. I need to stop giving in to people's words and bringing them BACK in my life over and over again. I hate that I'm saying that, but that's just what's best for me. There's this song called "Remember That" by Jessica Simpson and keep in mind, I don't really like Jessica Simpson's music, but that song is SO TRUE! I need to remember the things people do to me and say to me and if they treat me bad, just walk away. It's that simple. Well, ok it's not simple for me because I make things harder than they really are, but seriously! I know there will be people in my life that hurt me because no one can escape from that, but I'm going to promise myself that if they hurt me once, they'll hurt me again. But yeah...off that subject...lolI really can't wait until Sunday. I'm going up to Clemson/West Union to see my stepmom and I can't wait. Even though my mom isn't real fond of the idea, but I want to do it. Her and my dad have been divorced since I was in 7th/8th grade, but I still talk to her. She's one of my best friends and a big part of my life. So yeah CAN'T WAIT!

well Mariah is out and probably going to bed, but who knows? Hope everyone has a very swell day tomorrow! :D

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." - Les Brown

Today will mark the end of a long four year journey of my life, and I have so many mixed emotions about it. At 6:00 pm tonight, I will walk across the stage at Columbia Coliseum and receive my high school diploma. Honestly, I am NOT ready, even if so many people tell me that I am. I don't do very well with changes and this is a HUGE change for me. Everything that I was used to in high school will all be gone and it won't ever be the same, and I think that's what I'm afraid of the most. I'm going to lose so much with my friends still back at school. The best friends that I have that are graduating will go off and do better things just like I will, but it's still scary that everything won't ever be the same anymore. Mrs. Moore and KRay tell me to not be a stranger when it comes to me visiting them and I wouldn't ever feel that way. I would be in their classrooms every single day after school either helping them or just talking to them, and all of that will change next year and it already has changed. They always tell me that they're only a phone call away and a hall way apart and that they'll always be there whenever I need them. Mrs. Moore always tells me that goodbyes never last forever; they just mean that we'll be parting for a little while and that we'll miss each other and think about one another until we see each other again. I keep on asking myself what I will ever do without those two crazy, but wonderful women and I still don't know the answer to that. But I do know that God is watching over me and He will guide me through all of the hardships that come my way and give me strength the whole way through.

These four years have gone by so fast though and I have grown up a lot and I have been taught a lot thoughout the years. I know Graduation will be amazing. I have a lot of people around me that are there for me and that love me very much. I know I'll be okay. It'll just take some time to get used to and take time to part from some people and be used to not seeing them everyday anymore. I know it'll be hard, but I know that God is with me and He'll get me through everything as long as I keep faith in Him.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

One of the Hardest Days of My Life

Nothing can describe how I feel at this moment. Today was probably one of the hardest days I have had to face and when I describe it on here, it won't seem like such a big deal or something to really be sad about, but to me it is a big deal. Me, Brittany, Jackie, and Ariel woke up this morning, got ready, went to graduation practice, and just had fun. I took Ariel home and I went back up to the school to help KRay in her room. Then I went to my grandparents' house and picked my brother up and we ran errands and got something to eat. Well, I had realized that I forgot to clean out my part of KRay's cabinet that had allllll of my stuff in it. So, Dakota and I went back up to the school to do that (locking my keys in the car and getting Jackie to take me to my house to get a spare key in the process), and the whole time I was holding back my tears because it is JUST NOW hitting me that I am graduating and nothing will ever be the same again. Cleaning out my part of the cabinet made me realize just how much KRay has been there for me and just how much I'm going to truly miss her. I haven't cried all week long about leaving because it never really hit me, and I guess it was because I spent almost everyday with KRay this week helping her, so I had no need to say goodbye to her (or anybody for that matter) quite yet. Just looking back at my freshman year, she was just another teacher and I would have never guessed back then that a teacher would become one of my best friends. I have known her for 4 years and she has helped me more than anybody has ever helped me outside of my family, and she never had to. As I cleaned out my part of the cabinet and leaving her room for the last time it finally hit me that I would no longer go in her room to get my books between classes, I would no longer go in there asking her if she had crackers because of my blood sugar being low, I would no longer go in there and give her a hug when I could tell she was having a bad day, and I would no longer go in there and hear her say, "HEY GIRLFRIEND!". All of the memories just rushed back in from all of the times I've cried on her shoulder to the busting out laughs over the most ridiculous things. I keep saying this over and over again, but I always ask myself, "what am I going to do without her next year?" (and better yet, what will SHE do without ME next year?) She (and Mrs. Moore) always tell me that it's going to hurt and saying goodbye will be painful to say, but that 1. goodbyes don't last forever, 2. they're always a phone call away and a hall apart, and 3. I'm ready to go and be on my path. I don't feel like I'm ready though no matter how many times they tell me I am and no matter how many pieces of advice they give me, I just don't feel ready. And that has a lot to do with me not being able to cope with change quickly. So in a way, I know I AM ready, but not ready to face the changes I guess you could say. Those two women are amazing. They have helped me SO much when they never had to, but they did and I'm so glad they did because I would NOT be the person I am today without those two. I just hope that I don't cry too bad tomorrow at my graduation party when they're both there...lol.

So excited

God has totally shifted things around this week and I am so thankful. I found out that I DID pass US History, so that means I graduate, and I actually got accepted to Columbia College so I'm stoked about that. I can feel God more and more as the days go by and I pray that He'll keep giving me strength to bounce back up in every situation that is thrown at me. I can't wait until Saturday and Monday even though that's going to be the two hardest days of my life at the moment. Saturday is my Graduation Party where I'll say goodbye to a lot of my friends and Monday is actual Graduation. I can't believe these four years have gone by so fast. I always here little freshman in the hallway saying, "Gosh, I can't wait until I graduate and get out of here!" Looking back, I remember saying that back when I was ending my freshman year, but I would do anything to go back because time flies by so quickly. I have met so many fabulous people and have became best friends with them and it's very hard knowing that it won't ever be the same once I graduate, even though I'll only be across town and only a phone call away. It still will never be the same. I'm going to miss so many people, and it's going to be very hard to say goodbye to them, but I know goodbyes don't last forever. Just like Mrs. Moore always tells me, "Goodbyes don't last forever and goodbyes have no end; they just simply mean that I will miss you until we meet again." I just pray that God will give me strength this week and the week to come. And I pray that He'll be there with me when I have to say my goodbyes. "The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord let His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. The Lord look upon you kindly and give you peace." Numbers 7:24-26