Que Sera Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)

Looking back through high school, it feels so weird that I'm graduating this year. It feels like just yesterday I was a shy, little freshman walking into this big, huge high school. Everyone's right when they say when you're a freshman, you feel like it'll be forever and a day until you graduate...but in reality, it really isn't. It goes by so fast...right before your eyes.
Ever since 10th grade, I've known exactly what I want to do with my life. To be a high school math teacher. I'm crazy, but determined. I have no earthly idea why I want to become a teacher let alone a high school math teacher...but I feel like God is planting this into my head, and He won't let me run away from it. I could be anything I want, why a teacher? A lot of people look at me crazy when I tell them I want to go back to Lexington High School to teach. They always ask me, "why would you want to go back to this hell hole?" And I don't have a particular reason why. It's just something that God's pushing me towards and I CAN'T run away from it because I refuse to. God is setting me on this path for a reason, and I'm determined to figure out this reason.
I've been through a lot in my life, just like a lot of people have. I'm not the type of person to mope around about what I've been through. I talk about it to a select amount of people because I believe you should find at least a few people to relate to. Not saying to shout out your business to the whole world, but just to relate to someone so you don't live with a huge balloon inside of you waiting to burst at any minute. I've got 3 people outside of my family who I tell EVERYTHING to, and I trust those 3 people with my life....but one of them sticks out in particular. And her name is Mrs. Karen Ray (a.k.a. KRazy Rizzle Ray). I've known her since my freshman year of high school. She was my math teacher in 9th grade, and throughout the years, she has grown to be my best friend. I walked into my freshman year as this shy girl who didn't know who she was. I was scared, shy, and lost. I felt like no one could relate to me. I felt like this caterpillar trapped inside it's cocoon for eternity wanting to come out and show its true colors, but didn't know how. I had trust issues because when my daddy left, my trust left with him. Just out the door and lost in the wind, never coming back. I met Mrs. Ray and just thought she was an ordinary teacher. She wrote in my yearbook to come see her the following year and wrote Philippians 4:19: "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." She knew something was going on with me (and I knew she knew), but she wasn't going to be nosy and coax it out of me. But I wanted SO bad for SOMEONE to be nosy. Don't get me wrong, I have the best mother in the world and I can (and could back then) tell her anything and everything. But sometimes the only thing someone needs is for someone other than their family to understand them as well. And that's what Mrs. Ray did and still does to this day. I took what she wrote in my yearbook to heart and visited her that next semester. I would only pop in and tell her hi, but I soon began to stay in her room after school for 5 minutes, and then 30 minutes, and then an hour, and so on. And as I look back on it now, I would NEVER have guessed I could trust or become best friends with a teacher. Mrs. Ray has taught me SO much throughout high school! She has been there for me with open arms and a hug-in store through everything. I wouldn't be the same person today without her. And as my high school years are coming to a close, I don't know how I'll EVER say goodbye to her. I was a "caterpillar" when I walked into her class, and throughout the years, she has helped me turn into a "butterfly". I was lost, confused, hurt, scared, and just felt like giving up on every opportunity that was thrown at me. And she came along and helped me break out of that shell and into the young lady I've become. And I know she'll help me spread my wings and fly once the day comes that I really do have to say goodbye to her at the end of this school year.
I'm TERRFIED to leave high school, I won't lie at all. But I know with the help of God, I can do this. So many doors are going to open up for me and I can't be scared to walk through those doors. Mrs. Ray has helped me become the person I am, and she has taught me so many things that will carry me throughout the rest of my life. I have to do this and I will. I thank God everyday for the doors He has opened for me. I thank Him for the people He has brought in and out of my life especially Mrs. Ray because those people have shaped who I am today and the people who are helping me spread my wings and fly. I know that God has made me such a stronger person and will keep doing so as long as I don't give up on myself. I thank God that I DO have a past even though it wasn't the best and it wasn't the one I had planned, but I know that God did it for a reason. I know that God does everything for a reason, not to punish anyone, but to just make us stronger people inside AND out. One of the many things that Mrs. Ray has taught me that I know will carry me through life is this: not to dwell on the past, but instead; forgive it, let it change me in a positive way, and to just simply let it all go. And that's exactly what I've learned to do, and will keep on learning for the rest of my life.
I don't know what the future holds for me. Only God does, and I'm going to trust in Him to keep me on this path that He's shaping for me. I know there are going to be bumps, holes, and hills in my path, but I'll get through them with the help of God. And I'll be praying that I DO get through them and that I won't stray too far off of my path.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me then you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD,"and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

New Year's Resolutions anyone?

So, I know it's a little late for this, but I believe New Year's Revelations or any goals/dreams are never too late to accomplish. So I'm attempting to write out AND accomplish these things either this year or before I die. So, here I go: =]

- Pray more.
- Read the Bible more.
- Spend more time with Dakota. Even though him and I are inseparable, I want to do more fun things with him while I can.
- Read more.
- Live in a bookstore for a day. Well not LIVE in one per se, but spend a day in one and buy as many books as I can and actually READ all of them.
- Listen to different kinds of music; music that I've never heard of before.
- Paint a really pretty, artsy, professional looking painting.
- Write more poetry; it makes me feel better about any day I am having whether it be good or bad.
- Talk to family/friends that I haven't been talking to or have lost touch with and talk to them on a regular basis.
- Bungee jump, sky dive, get on an airplane, do outrageous things; I've always wanted to do all of that; I'm a risk-taker ;D
- Go to Carowinds and get on the Vortex. I always chicken out on that one, but either this summer or a weekend I'm not doing anything while at Winthrop, I'm totally going to get my girls and GET ON that roller coaster whether someone has to drag me on it or not.
- Not to be afraid to show my true self. I've worked on that a lot through high school with a lot of help from a very important lady, and I have reached a point where I'm not afraid to do things I used to anymore, but I feel like I could be better at it.
- Trust the people I'm REALLY close with more. I have some trust issues when it comes to certain things and I believe it all started when my dad left. I have broken down that wall, but it's still standing up to my knees, and I'm ready to break down the wall completely this year.
- Take more photographs. My camera goes EVERYWHERE with me, but I want to take outrageous looking pictures.
- Have a paint fight.
- Have a water balloon fight.
- Come up with a nickname for Miss Katie K.
- Earn enough money and buy a professional camera
- Have a place I can paint. Like a room or something that I can call my own. Maybe when I move out and get my own house.
- Own 50+ necklaces/beads
- Hold a snake. I really don't like snakes, but I want to actually hold one.
- Follow my heart first, then my head.
- Change someone's life.
- Buy one of those professional looking cameras.

Overwhelmed

Oh wow! I have all sorts of thoughts running through my mind at the moment. Ranging from what I want to major in in college to having friends that are having BABIES! This semester is officially over for me and I'm totally stoked, but terrified all at the same time. I've known since 10th grade that I want to be a high school math teacher. Yes, I said HIGH SCHOOL! A LOT of people say I should get into some form of art and photography because I do those 2 things alllll the time, but for ME those are hobbies that I feel COULD turn into something, but not my profession. I know in my heart that God wants me to teach high school. My heart is telling me one thing and then my mind is telling me something totally different. I really really want to teach. God's putting me on this path for a reason and I attend to follow His path. And who knows, maybe once I get into college and get going, God will shift things. I might even do both: art/photography and teaching math. I just know in my heart that teaching is where God wants me to go towards first and foremost.
Alright, so I found out over the summer that one of my best friends, Tiara is having a baby. And that gorgeous baby girl will be here next week. Tiara has to be induced due to some kind of blood disorder, so prayers are headed her way. Her baby shower is this Saturday and I can't wait, and I'm definitely going to the hospital next week to see my girls!
And finally today, I found out one of my OTHER best friends is also pregnant! Callie is amazing and I love her. She's one tough cookie and has been through a lot just in high school, so kuddos for her! I love that girl so much and I can't wait until her little baby is here, too!
So yeah, now that that's out of my system. I really can't wait until I graduate. A lot of doors are going to open up for me and I can't wait. I'm scared to leave high school though just like most seniors are. I'm scared and excited all at the same time. Questions randomly wonder though my mind on what it'll be like living 2 hours away from home. ANYBODY that knows me knows that I am THE BIGGEST home-body there is. I won't lie, I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND! I know I can turn around and go to a college that's closer to me, but 2 very important ladies tell me ALL the time that I simply need to get away and do this for myself. And they are totally and completely right.
If I trust in God, I know He'll help me get through all of this. I just pray that I leave high school with a good attitude and a good mind-set on life. I pray that God will keep me on my path head-on with not so many bumps and holes. I pray that God will lift me up when I feel like giving up. I pray that God will help me follow my dreams and have a positive attitude about everything that gets thrown at me. I pray that God will help me cope with leaving and doing my own thing.

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."