Ready? Uncheck

- Dorm supplies: 1/2 check
- Packed: 3/4 check
- Roommate: check
- Emotions in tack: UNCHECK

So, Friday at 7:00 in the am, I will no longer be living at my house 24/7. It's going to be a very emotional and mental roller coaster. I have never been away from my house for more than a week in my ENTIRE life (shows how much I get out haha). I'm physically and mentally ready, but not emotionally, and if you'd ask me why, I couldn't tell you. I'll only be 30 minutes away. I'm glad I didn't jump on the Winthrop bandwagon this year because I honestly wouldn't be able to live 2 hours away right now (with everything that's going on and just because I don't feel ready). I think the further distance I go (gradually), the better off I'll be. What's funny is, I'm going to Columbia College this year, planning to go to Winthrop next year, and then either the spring of 2011/fall of 2011, I'm planning on studying ABROAD IN AUSTRALIA FOR 5 MONTHS!! If that's not a BIG GAP of gradualness, I don't know what is! haha. I know I can do this though because I have faith in God to get me through anything and everything and I also have faith in myself, to push myself no matter how hard I feel like falling down. I'm shooting for my dreams and I'm going to make those dreams come true no matter what anyone says because they don't matter. God's doing this for a reason and I'm determined to succeed in everything He throws at me. So, even though I'm definitely not EMOTIONALLY ready to do any of this, I know I can do it because I have God and I have the MOST AMAZING family and friends here to back me up! "Don't let anyone back you down. You must do this for YOURSELF because can't never could!" - Pocahontas (not the ACTUAL Disney Pocahontas-inside joke) <---you know who you are if you're reading this :)

Phewww!

1 week and 6 days until I move into Columbia College! Let the count down begin! I'm so exhausted! This week I've packed my stuff and I'm STILL not done with everything just because I bought more stuff today for my dorm. I just had so much stuff to go through and throw away and give away. I'm probably the BIGGEST teenaged pack-rat ever! (by the way: lovely packing ^^^) I just have so much stuff and it feels really good to get rid of some things, but I STILL have too much stuff! haha. Today me, my mom, my sister, my aunt, and my grandma went dorm shopping for me and I got SO MUCH stuff that I desperately needed and I'm glad I got all of that done. But yet I have to kinda start my packing all over again haha! Oh well!
The last month has just been very hard for me. Actually, scratch that this whole SUMMER has been very hard on me because I've had to say goodbye to so many people and I've just been so anxious and excited, but scared because I'm just now realizing that I'm moving out and going to college! It's so overwhelming and confusing at times, but I know it'll do me good being on my own. I have a LONNNGG 4 years ahead of me and I'm ready to face it. Even though I'm scared and don't want to leave at times, I know God will get me through it all and push me past any obstacle I may face like always!

OH I ALMOST FORGOT! My BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD gave me the BEST surprise today. She had told me earlier today (while I was out shopping) to come to her house to pick up a present she had bought me and our friend Raven and that her brother had it because him and they're younger sister came back to California to "get some stuff for the move". I asked Brittany why she wasn't here and she told me that she "wasn't allowed to come back" (they were GOING to just stay in California and live there instead of coming back to South Carolina...very long story). And I was just thinking to myself, "well that's not cool!" Well I get to her house and ring the doorbell and everything. Well, guess who answers the door?!?! BRITTANY ELIZABETH MARTIN! :) I was SO EXCITED, I just busted into tears because I had missed her SO MUCH! Well, NOW she's staying in South Carolina for another year and then moving to California next year, and even though it'll be sad to see her leave AGAIN, I know I'll be ok since when she told me she was staying in California, I didn't know of it before she left because she was supposed to only stay there for the summer! So THAT totally made my day AND my summer as well! I'm so excited to have my best friend back! I didn't know what I would have ever done without her this year!

Alright, enough of that! I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the weekend and a wonderfull upcoming week as well! And for all of you college students, good luck with everything you guys do. I know it'll be hard, but we can all get through it as long as we don't give up :)

FYI: Girlscout Thin Mint ice cream is the bomb.com :)

Doubting the Doubter

I've always known what I've wanted to do with my life ever since 10th grade, and that's to be a math teacher. I'm going to college in a little over a month and for some reason I'm doubting myself. I know that I should keep faith and not back down on my dreams, but for some odd reason lately I'm doubting on whether or not I should be a math teacher or not. I've recently decided to double major, but not quite sure if I'll be able to this year, but fingers crossed. I want to be a math teacher really bad, but I also want to major in photography because I'm really good at it from what a lot of people tell me and it's just something I love to do in my spare time. So my plan is to double major and do photography on the side. But just recently I've been thinking about a lot of things surrounding my decision. All of these questions just wonder through my mind like, "what if I don't make a good teacher?," and "what if I'm not REALLY as good at math as I thought?" A lot of people ask me why I want to be a math teacher and I just stand there without an answer because frankly, I don't know why I want to be a teacher let alone a HIGH SCHOOL MATH teacher. It's just something I feel that God is pushing me towards. I know that I really like math and it's my strongest subject in school, but other than that, I don't know. I love math, but once I get out of a math class, I forget most of the equations and concepts of the class and being a high school math teacher you have to know ALL of it. I'm just really confused lately and I feel like I'm giving up on myself and on what God wants me to do. I feel like I'm backing out and that I'm just...scared. Scared to face the fact that it'll be hard. I feel like I'm not pushing myself and I'm taking the easy way out, and I don't want to do that. I don't have all of the answers of what God wants me to do and I never truly will, but being a teacher is just something that I feel God is pushing me to and He won't let me let go no matter how hard I try. I think high school teachers probably have one the toughest and bravest jobs (I said ONE of the, not the only) because they stand there in front of 20+ kids in each class and teach THEIR knowledge and trust that it's accurate and that they're helping their students (let alone stand up there and make goobers of themselves when they mess up or trip or tell a corny joke). I don't know, I just pray that all of this will get better. I pray that God helps me with my decision because it is MY decision, no one can tell me what to be. I pray I don't stress out over this and just come up with a solution. I pray that I don't give up on myself or take the easy way out of my fears. I know I'll get through it because I'm not alone. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." 1 John 4:18(my all time favorite) "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6"Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it." Ezra 10:4

Washing Away My Worries and Troubles

I am SO excited right now, and I will tell you why. I have decided that I'm going to DOUBLE major in college so I can do two things that I love to do. I have decided to double major in math education and photography. I've always loved taking pictures and I'm really good at it if I do say so myself. I haven't had a working camera in a few months and it's been driving me nuts, so my mom's been letting me use hers and for the past few days, that's all I've been really doing and that camera has gone pretty much everywhere with me because I always see something when I'm out and say to myself, "gosh I really wish I would have had a camera!" So, I have taken a lot of pictures and everyone tells me that they're REALLY good. I wanted to major in education and minor in either photography or art/design or poetry or something. but I've decided to major in BOTH math education and photography. Yes, I'm going to be a high school math teacher photographer ha! I know those are two totally opposite things, but I just feel like God is pushing me so hard and wanting me to do SO many things with my life and I'm determined to succeed in everything I feel that He's pushing me towards. I am so content right now and I'm so glad that I know what God wants me to do with my life and that I've known since 10th grade even though it has broaden some because in 10th grade, I wanted to teach math, but just didn't know what area or grade and such, but now I know and I'm content. And who knows, those plans could ALL change later down the road, but right now that's what I'm doing and I won't settle for less. I'm ready to go off to college and pursue my dreams and I'm so glad I have God right by my side.Well it's definitely almost 2 in the morning and I have to wake up in like 5 hours to go to the beach with Chrysalis. YAY! :D So goodnight all

Relieved

I can feel God on my heart everyday, but this week, I have felt Him so much more. I spent the week with my stepmom, Tammy, and her family this week just to get away from things and it totally helped me. Though I wasn't ready to come home and saying goodbye to her hurt, I'm glad to be home and be surrounded by the people at home as well. While I was with Tammy, her and I talked so much and it felt so good to talk to her face-to-face again. She was the person who helped me so much back when my parents were getting divorced and even though she was just my stepmom, she was one of my best friends. While I was at her house, we talked about my dad (they're divorced actually and have been for like 5 years) and the things he put me through when I was little and still today. She told me that I live in the past still and I need to just move on from it. And even though I have moved on from my past since 9th grade when I met KRay, I still hold on to the past to this day just a little bit because it's hard to push past all pf the bad things I have been through in my life. But Tammy is 100% right. I DO need to just move on, and she told me once I get out on my own, it'll all get better gradually because I won't constantly have someone to remind me of my past. I love Tammy so much and it's so hard to say goodbye to her whenever I see her. Last summer was the first time I spent a week with her at her house

"It's your time to shine, so go get em'!"

My whole life I've been insecure about being myself, and I must say after I met two very important ladies that are in my life right now, that wall broke down almost completely. Back then, I was afraid to speak in front of people, I was very quiet and spoke softly (not with a big stick as Teddy Roosevelt says...lol sorry I had to), I was just very insecure about everything. And sometimes even now, I get insecure about things, but I've learned to just push past all of that and not to let what people think get to me. I've recently been going to a family friends' church/youth gathering. It's called Chrysalis Ministries and I must say, it is WONDERFUL! They're isn't many people there, but it's still amazing. I'm part of the drama team there, where we do dances to Christian songs and they're so much fun (thanks to Jordan...she rocks!) But anyway, to my point of this blog. Last Tuesday (the 16th) was the first day I went to Chrysalis and right away I jumped up and danced even though I didn't know the moves or anything. I didn't hesistate once. I just got up there and did it without even thinking. Now if you would have asked me to do that 4 years ago, I would have said, "NO WAY!" Now I knew everyone there but 2 people, but I'm not usually the type of person to just jump up and dance, but lately I have been. I see myself just jumping up and doing anything. Whether it be singing in front of people, dancing in front of people, or speaking my opinion in front of people. I'm not scared to do anything, and that all changed after I met and became closer to Mrs. Ray and Mrs. Moore. It's amazing how 2 people can change your WHOLE life, your WHOLE outlook on EVERYTHING! And I thank God everyday that He helped me and let these 2 women become very big influences in my life. Back when I just felt like giving up and that everything wasn't even worth it, I was scared, confused, hurt, and so insecure, and sometimes I feel myself going back to that, but then I remember everything that I've been taught by the people around me and I remember how hard it was to push myself out of my comfort zone and I stop myself from feeling that way and think to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to and no ONE person will bring me down no matter how much it's tempted. I thank God that I've been through the things I've been through (good AND bad) because it HAS made me a stronger person, and I've recently realized that, despite all of the people that have told me that I am a strong person. I thank God that he brought the people that I do have in my life right now in my life because without them, I'd be so lost and without God I'd be nothing. I'm so glad that I can just jump up and do anything without even thinking about it for a second. Yes, I will admit that when I do jump up and do things I ask myself, "what in the world am I getting myself into," but once I'm up in front of people, I just think of the things I have learned from so many people, and say to myself, "you know what? Who cares if I make a mistake or slip up because at the end of the day, nothing will matter except for the feeling that I had doing it and how it made me smile. Nobody matters except God, and I shouldn't try to hide myself because if I hide myself from others, I might as well hide myself from God because He can see everything." So, right now, right this minute, I'm breaking out of my shell COMPLETELY and not once will I stop myself from doing what it is I want to do. I refuse to hold myself back anymore no matter how big or how small the task is. "It's your time to shine, so go get em'!" - Mrs. Moore

????

I've been...I don't even know anymore. I feel so hurt and I wish I didn't feel that way. Today I went to church and Pastor Dan talked about how we need to go to God and put everything in us on him when we're in a "personal storm," and that's so true and I wish I could do that ALL of the time instead of just SOME of the time. After church today, I met up with my stepmom (who's been divorced to my dad for like 5 years now, but I still consider her my stepmom) and she's been having some trouble with her husband and stuff. Well she told me that she had told her husband that she had a step-daughter who lives in Lexington who never asked her to do ANYTHING for her, but to love her. And that this step-daughter loves her for HER and not for the things she does for her. And that step-daughter would be me. It hurts so bad that I don't get to see my stepmom but like once a year if that. And it hurts that I have been through so much in my life, but I still stay strong and push it all passed me. But sometimes, it's very hard and I just want to cry. I hate that my dad made mistakes in his life. Sometimes, I wish that when my dad left that he would have just never talked to me again because I think I'd be better off right now. I know that's ugly and I know that God does things for a reason and that he puts obstacles in your way to see how much you can handle and the more obstacles a person faces, the stronger that person is, but I get so frustrated and so hurt so many times that I just wish it would all go away. I know that I should never wish something away because God does EVERYTHING for a reason. I've had to go through my mom's and dad's divorce and then my dad's and Tammy's and that hurt more than anything. I just want to scream and cry until I can't anymore. I just feel like driving until I run out of gas and just see where God leads me next. I feel like God is leading me somewhere, but I can't figure it out and He won't tell me BECAUSE He wants me to figure out on my own, but with His help as well. I'm just confused and I want to move on with my life and the things I have been through.